Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

12/9/11 5:54pm 
Have you ever been scared to be happy after you’ve been discontent for a long period of time? I’m petrified of feeling great again because there’s nothing like having the rug pulled off from under you and falling thousands of feet down a jagged, rough, dark pit and hitting a cold bottom hard- especially if that happens repeatedly in a short time. Yes, they say the best thing about being at the bottom is that there’s nowhere else to go but up, but once you get up….the direction down is a lingering option. Some of the most traumatized people can’t enjoy being “up” once they’ve arrived for steadily working in a paranoid manner to stay “up.” 

Straight from my journal, live and in living print.
9/30/11 1:30am
I have something to say and I’m ready to be listened to, instead of just heard. I’m tired of being content with breadcrumbs; I want a loaf of bread. I’m ready to use my talents, display my creativity and actually have people appreciate it…
Most of my life I have felt invisible. At best, visible, but ignored. An afterthought. In the eyes of those around me, I’m good for the moment when all else fails. I’m not special enough to be acknowledged, prioritized or put on any type of pedal stool. If I wasn’t here anymore, then I’d be important; since we only like to give people their flowers after their gone. Then you’d watch closely and listen intently. Some might come to me worried after they read this, but as soon as I appear to “feel better,” they’ll be gone. Care is periodic and conditional. It almost like there’s a time window.

1:00am 9/27/2011
You ever think about life and say to yourself: “When is it going to get good?”

I think most us what something grander and more unique than what we’ve heard life is. The “American Dream” is one thing, but I believe that there’s something inside of us that wants even more than that. Something shiny and fabulous that makes the “American Dream” seem like too simple of a goal. 

We all want more than what we have and to be more special than what we are. We don’t want to just exist; we want to exist with a bang. Wanting to exist with a bang is at the center of both greed AND giving. We want to either do something that makes some sort of history book, or be someone that means a lot to many people; forever to be remembered and idolized.

I think my desire for something bigger, better and brighter is killing me because I don’t know how to how to be content with what I don’t want. I don’t know how to be content with breadcrumbs when I want a whole loaf of bread. I feel like I’ve been doing that my whole life and I’m over it. I want what I want. And I want it now.