By C. Allen, Contributing Writer

WARNING: This review contains SPOILERS.

When there are so many fascinating, well-conceptualized independent films by gifted talent that hardly anyone sees because of limited promotion and sponsorship, it's always surprising when a major distributor like Universal Pictures backs a movie with a cliché` plot, especially when there's no new life breathed into it. Young lover/fatal attraction combo The Boy Next Door follows teacher and jilted wife, Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez), as her life dangerously turns upside down after having a one-night-stand with her whipper-snapper neighbor, Noah (Ryan Guzman).

There are so many devices of convenience to make Claire and Noah's proximity plausible (like him living next door and her marriage being on the rocks after infidelity), it's confusing why writer Barbara Curry would pack her story with so many forced, silly setups and situations. The usual statutory rape factor is eliminated because Noah is 20-years-old, but he might as well be underage, as he came to live with his great-uncle after being orphaned, befriends Claire's teen son and weasels his way into her literature class (by hacking into her email and sending a message to administrators insisting he be allowed in) under the guise that he's trying to complete his GED. Adult GED programs take place in local high-schools during the day with minors? Oh, ok. The lead-in to their singular love scene was so brief, random and without context, it was more like one you'd see in a porn versus a full-length movie, although it was steamy and nicely choreographed. It goes down like this: he has a cooking disaster. She comes over to save the day after a disaster date. He flatters her. They have sex. Good grief. At a school dance, there's a flood in the boy's bathroom and instead of a night janitor, Claire is summoned to attend to it. This illogical moment happens just so she can see "I f***** Claire Peterson" sprawled on the wall and be cornered by Noah. As the film the progresses, the details of Noah's back-story seem even more senseless and dysfunctional because it only explains his secondary actions towards Claire's husband and son. We never get more understanding about his infatuation with her or why it happens so instantly. While the climax is acceptably suspenseful, the ridiculousness of the particulars is most obtrusive there and the ending (i.e. how our villain dies) is quite the let down.

The cast, bless their hearts, work with the script the best they can. John Corbett is the only actor out of place; it's just not believable that this man is J.Lo's husband. On that note, I wonder if it frustrates or insults Lopez that when the characters she portrays have a family, they're often Caucasian and there's no acknowledgement that she's Latina. Guess that's another conversation. Why is the amazing Kristin Chenoweth, who plays the vice principal, in this movie? Why did they kill her? How do you kill Kristin Chenoweth?! How does Hill Harper only get a throwaway role and scenes? What's going on? Talent was wasted why?

The Boy Next Door is like a Lifetime Network movie: you're intrigued by the premise and are curious enough to sit through (and laugh at) superfluous exaggerations and specs, only to somehow get sucked into caring about the outcome and be disappointed by the rushed, stupid ending that doesn't vindicate the 2 hours of your life gone. Actually, at least Lifetime movies are sure to add a crazy twist or angle to archetypal plots.

Rock & Rant-When I need to quickly rant about music.

Much of entertainment medium (and Twitter users) have been making assessments about the status and quality of Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez’s music careers, given their dismal album sales: Carey’s Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse reportedly sold around 60,000 copies and J.Lo’s new A.K.A. is projected to reach half of that (as of June 15, 2014). The singers have been laughed at and called washed-up (mainly on social media, which is ever-punishing); at best, examining and theoretical pieces have been written to answer the questions of “What happened?” and “What is going on?” 

Stop mocking these performers-- who have dedicated over a decade to entertaining you-- washed-up or “irrelevant” (I hate that word so much; it’s so overused, ill-applied and shoddily defined on social media), because they aren’t. Stop saying the albums are trash simply because they didn’t sell well; how many times have we seen great talent or music go unrecognized? In my opinion, Chanteuse and A.K.A. are the best records either woman has released since 2008 and 2005 respectively (see the reviews here and here). The real answer and bigger picture is much more frightening: the music industry is going bankrupt. Yes, bankrupt. Sound dramatic? I wish I was overstating. No one, I repeat, no one is doing substantial numbers, regardless of headliner status or promotion amount. Anticipated 2013 releases from pop power-players Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Britney Spears all failed to garner certification from the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Even hyped-up newbies with fierce radio-play like Ariana Grande aren’t seeing fat figures. Just to show you how bleak (as Mariah might say) things are, an artist can make the top 5 of the Billboard 200 Albums chart without even going gold (Chanteuse debuted at No.3). Pre-millennium (and pre-piracy), artists were selling 10 million copies left and right; now it’s a feat if you can do 1 million (maybe this is why Billboard ridiculously starting counting YouTube clicks and Spotify streams towards chart position). Acts are having to get creative (and perhaps desperate) to sell records. Lady Gaga’s Born This Way was $0.99 on Amazon for 2 days when it dropped in 2011. Jay-Z practically gave away 2013’s Magna Carta: Holy Grail; it was free for Samsung users and his 2011 Kanye West collaboration LP, Watch the Throne, was exclusively sold through Best Buy stores after an iTunes release to try to prevent a leak. Beyonce` had to issue her latest effort (complete with music videos) with no prior notice or singles for rapid purchases, only to match the sales of her previous 4 album (platinum).

I know what some of you are thinking. A ton of you are probably skimming through this next paragraph because you can’t wait to comment and say “Well, Adele’s 21 went diamond and long after its release.” Shut up, because you know just as well as I do that 21 was a complete anomaly. It did prove 1 thing, however: that “real” music--not mindless and heartless (but catchy) jabber sung by a pageant queen stunner or prom king stud muffin--sells. There are several reasons why people rather pirate than actually purchase an album, but 1 of them is quality- something the industry can actually do something about. They’ll never be able to take the joy out of getting something for free, but they can procure music we really want to buy. It’s funny how when Britney Spears started, even-better recreations of her popped up everywhere (ex. Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson), but Adele breaks bank and…crickets (although there were test trials like Amy Winehouse and Duffy before her). For record label executives to be the smartest people in the room, they’re doing a couple of dumb things. Well, several, but this is a “Rock&Rant,” so I’m only going to focus on a few. They need to stop signing acts purposely for the cause of having a few hot singles and get people with multi-dimensional talent, because they’ll make more money for a longer period. I assume a “flash in the pan” artist would be more expensive because the label has to pay so many other people to make the artist “hot,” whereas a singer-songwriter can do the bulk with less assistance. Once they get such a multi-talented act, let the artist be themselves; don’t sign Jewel and ask her to be Kesha. The worst trend and practice I’ve observed in recent years is focusing on the development of quick-buck fluffy singles instead of a comprehensive album. I’ve heard too many records where the singles were the strongest tracks and it seemed no effort was put into the rest. If you hear that type of album enough times, you’re not going to feel motivated to spend money or refer a friend. 90-95% of a record needs to be quality material. “Rolling in the Deep” was catchy and had some thought (how about that?!) and “Someone Like You” pierced the hearts of America and had us all in our feelings. People said to themselves “well, dang, what does the rest sound like?” and got their money’s worth because 21 was phenomenal. In future result, Adele’s next album will more than likely fly off the shelves because she’s now a brand people feel confident in and take seriously.

Now, that I’ve suggested what the industry can do, onto you: the consumer. At the risk of sounding preachy and cliché, please start buying music again. I know people hardly go on MySpace anymore, but you’d be surprised how many artists stream their albums in full on the site when they drop. Preview a record if you’re unsure about purchasing it. If you’ve already downloaded an album illegally and you like at least half of it, buy it. Push and plug the ones you like to your friends. If you’ve bought something you ended up hating, sell it on Half.com or EBay. Truly support the artists you’ve been tweet-gushing about. Otherwise, there won’t be much of anyone to gush about. 

Album Review.
Favorites: 1st Love, Worry No More, Troubeaux, Same Girl
Dislikes: Emotions, Booty
Overall: Jenny gives a happy medium between the block and the techno club.

Jennifer Lopez gives us everything we like her for on her 8th album, A.K.A.; or at least what I like her for, which is her effortless, street and sweet blend of hip-hop, R&B and pop. EDM.Lo was not the J.Lo for me. Although A.K.A. definitely carries the sounds of the dubstep and dance genres, it rests on an urban bed thick enough for Lopez’s Bronx roots to show through. Not surprisingly, things go horridly wrong when Lopez attempts to drive out of her lane into that of Celine Dion and tries to pull off the pop pseudo-ballads, “Never Satisfied,” “Emotions” and “Let it Be Me.” The worst of this set is “Emotions.” I’ve never heard an artist highlight their vocal weaknesses so boldly before. We all know J.Lo’s range is limited and her voice is thin. When she attempts to belt into “someone took my emotions,” it’s piercing and almost screechy and she falls flat when she trips into “don’t forgive me, I didn’t ask.” It’s embarrassing and I’m surprised that it was recorded and mastered like that. “Be Me” is vocally easier on the ears, but the performance is still unpleasant enough to taint the beautiful Latin-styled music. “Emotions” and “Be Me” would be great sung by someone else. Fortunately, the vocally-challenged trio is spread out, so it doesn’t ruin the flow of the album.

The content is accessible, including sassy kiss-offs, shake-offs and “I love my guy from around the way” cuts. “Bad-boy” songs commonly receive an apathetic response from me, but there’s a sadness and discontentment in “Worry No More” that makes me more attracted to it and I always enjoy when 1960’s folk and jazz get remixed into a hip-hop track: “Troubeaux” samples Jefferson Airplane’s “Today, which was re-spun by Tom Scott. Need a new vogue song for the summer? “TENS,” featuring Jack Mizrahi, is a ball of fun and a nod to the drag-ball culture of New York, as chronicled in the documentary, Paris is Burning. Rest in peace Dorian Corey, Octavia St. Laurent, Pepper LaBeija, Angie Xtravaganza, Willie Ninja and all others. The lyrics are sometimes too absurdly elementary (like “I feel good ‘cause I don’t feel bad” on “Emotions”) and even though part of J.Lo’s appeal is that she eludes marks of age (she’ll be 45 soon) with eternal hipness, the childishness of “Booty,” among others, is too much too take.

Jennifer Lopez is a perfect example of how expectation influences how we react to music. Was I expecting the vocals of a Broadway champ? Nope. Was I expecting lyrics the musical equivalent of Shakespeare? Definitely not. Something heartfelt or personal? Maybe a little; she has gone through a divorce. I got passionate from her though; she was convincingly heated on “A.K.A,” “Acting Like That” and “So Good.” What I was expecting, or at least what I wanted, was for Jenny to take me down the block and give me some of the same feel-good vibes I had when the “Ain’t it Funny” Murder remix, “All I Have,” “Get Right” and “Feeling So Good (no pun intended)” came out. I got closer to it with A.K.A. than I have in almost a decade, so I’m fine. J-to-tha-L-O, hello!