Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

As I triumph and tumble through my 20’s, I’ve had a lot of “ah-ha” moments about different things. One of the more recent realizations has been about friendship. I think most people have something they yearn for throughout life that sets up a pattern of behavior and in my case, I’ve always wanted that classic “BFF;” like the ones you see on TV. You know, the “Shawn” to my “Cory” (“Boy Meets World”)? The friend that uncannily understands you, grows with you as opposed to apart from you and you two bicker once every blue moon? Some may say that type of friend is rare or doesn’t exist, but as cynical as I tend to be, I’ve always believed in the concept because of how often I’ve seen it in daily life and it seemed like everyone had that classic friend but me. Most of grade school, I was always the least popular kid; I didn’t fit in for some silly reason or another. I got separated from the one kid who was my partner in crime due to being a “navy brat (my searches to find her on social media have been unsuccessful).” Anyhow, being low on friends lead me to invite anyone into my life that would be nice to me. This wasn’t a great idea. Long story short, I tolerated a lot things I shouldn’t have and was hesitant to end relationships because either I was scared I wouldn’t make any new friends or it felt like I would be wasting years of time and effort. I should’ve taken the leap while I was still in the large social world that was college, because it’s harder to make new comrades you can deeply connect with once in the workforce.

I’ve realized how much various relationships gradually and insidiously brought me down, and when you’re already cynical and have an ongoing battle with depression, it’s a formula for disaster. Things can get especially tricky with friendships in your 20’s, as most 20-somethings have a lot of self-absorption, arrogance, insensitivity and self-righteousness that they’re oblivious to.

You have friends that will tell you how to behave, nitpick at everything you do, convince you you're crazy, strange, need to change and that everything is wrong with you. They’ll make you inadvertently (and sometimes purposely) feel bad about yourself; see every flaw in you. Use the things you’ve told them in confidence to judge you or take digs when it’s convenient. In the least, they’ll fail to repay the love and respect you’ve given them. It will be hard to dissociate and say goodbye because they were all there for you at some point, but that was some point. Once they no longer meet emotional needs, they're taking up space. I used to hate the adage that some are around for a “season and a reason” because I've always believed that loyalty is a part of true friendship, but not everyone operates that way, unfortunately. Not everyone has the same expectations of their friends or the same definitions of friendship. Some fail as a friend, not because they're bad or disloyal people, but because they don't know how to be a friend. There are more people in this world who have never been truly loved and don't know what it is to be bonded to another, than those who do. Most spend their life chasing that type of thing. Whether or not you have sympathy for their lack of knowledge and the patience to try to show them what it means, is it up to you, but know that it's a very difficult task and your pupil may never learn.

It will be easy to accept poor friendships or behavior because you don’t know that there’s something better. After a couple of these bad boys, you’ll think this crap is the norm and Shawn Hunter isn’t out there, but he is. Try making friends in a setting unorthodox to you. Shawn may be of a different background or culture than you. He might be that kid next to you in class, church, work or hell, Wal-mart. You never know. I think I’ve finally found Shawn; let’s hope I’m right. We met in the most unusual, unexpected way. So far, this is one of the best friendships I’ve ever had and it only made my peer history insights more vivid. I’m already seeing a positive transition in my attitude and perspective. It’s funny how much a simple change in scenery (or in this case, camaraderie) can make a world of difference.

Being the Kelly Clarkson fan I am, I follow her Facebook news feed. On February 8th, her team posted her two upcoming People Magazine covers (week of February 18th) in which the headline was “I Found Love At Last!...Finding Mr. Right.” I was flabbergasted for a few reasons. In 2010, I wrote an article about how magazines with a mostly female audience over-emphasize sex and romance as opposed to self-accomplishment and growth. Being the girl-power singer Clarkson is, I’m surprised she would feed into such a bad media habit (granted there may be more to her feature than the headline indicates). Secondly, I wonder why she would do that type of cover story as if an engagement break or divorce can’t happen. How foolish would she feel if they split or had a bitter ending? She would’ve publicly declared that she figured dating out and found “Mr. Right,” only to appear to be really wrong. Once footballer Roy Williams became singer Kelly Rowland’s ex-fiancé, Rowland said she felt “embarrassed” for repeatedly publicly gushing about her engagement and covering Modern Bride, vowing to keep her future private relationships private.

I’ve never understood why celebrities advertise their relationships with cover stories and joint interviews. What’s the story there? So what, you’re in love. I thought they didn’t like everyone being in their business. I find it especially obnoxious when they arrogantly imply they have invincible, eternal love or make the same declarations about their current partner that they did about the last three. Maybe you should stop falling in love like a high-school student, but that’s another article. Actors Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise reportedly claimed to People Magazine that they would “be on their honeymoon for the rest of their lives.” Are they dead, because I’m pretty sure their honeymoon is over. As a matter of fact, isn’t Cruise ending is third honeymoon with Katie Holmes, whom he notoriously giddily jumped on Oprah’s couch about? Unless you’re shipping a project or overcame some hurdle together, like a severe illness, why are you promoting your relationship again?

Considering the buzz it creates, you would think celebrities would be the ones to publicize their romantic entanglements the most, but they have nothing on everyday people. It’s crazy how many of our loved ones make shrines to their relationships out of their social media pages. I know one person who every other status or photo is about or of their boyfriend. The boyfriend comments on everything and they actually go back and forth having comment conversations that everyone can see. It makes me wonder…Is your relationship for you or me? The way some people plaster it, you would think their relationship was a product or service. I also want to ask “do you have an identity outside of your relationship? Most people use sites like Tumblr or Facebook to show their interests. You can learn a lot by looking at someone’s social media page. If look at my Tumblr, you’ll learn that I battle with depression, love music (especially Beyonce` & Demi Lovato), voted for Obama, watch General Hospital (recast Jason!) and love High School Musical. If I look at some people’s pages, all I’ll learn is that they’re in a relationship. Guess that’s who they are. And of course, if they break up with their beloved, all of the sudden they’ll be hush-hush. The moral to this story, kids, is that when you publicize your relationship, not only are you inviting everyone into your business, but you look foolish and like you’re defining yourself by your mate.

Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

9-2-2012 
I let fear dictate my life. I try to control my attachments to things and people so that I can’t be affected if I lose them. I sometimes tone down or re-route my ambitions so I won’t be setting myself up for disappointments or failures. I might deny myself an experience if I think the risk is too high. I don’t think trying to be responsibly cautious with attachments, ambitions and other decisions is bad, but I know it can be harmful if there isn’t any reasonable balance. Balance is something I struggle to have; I’m such an extreme personality, but that’s another journal for another day. I think different areas of my life have been stunted or are stagnant because I let my fears overwhelm me. It doesn’t help that I’m a control freak on top of that; hell, I’m a control freak just so bad things won’t happen.

I recently had the epiphany that I’m both afraid to have ambitions and afraid not to have them. I really should be working in media. I’m a writer and a music nerd; it’s only fitting. However, I’ve convinced myself that those dreams are untouchable and if I put a lot of energy toward it, I’m going to be deeply disappointed, feel like a failure and lost because I can’t execute my passions. I say all the time that I should find a way to be content with a run-of-the-mill, less entertaining, more practical, every day job and/or life because that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Find a way to be happy with settling, so when that day comes, I won’t despise my life. On the flip side, I’m scared to not have ambitions for fear I’ll be shoulda’-coulda’ woulda’ ing, stuck in monotony and not living my best life, as Oprah would say. 

Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

7-19-12 12:05am
Depression is so overtaking. It dictates every day of my life. I wake up not knowing how I’m going to feel or how much of an emotional disaster the day is going to be. It dulls my senses. I can’t fully enjoy anything hardly anymore. I feel colorblind. Partially deaf.

It’s so hard to get through the day. The day seems so long. I struggle to get through the minutes and hours, just looking forward to the moment where I get to be asleep again. That’s the only time I have peace. I hate being awake. Sometimes I resent being alive. I know that’s a terrible thing to say and logically I’m not ready to die yet, but that’s the thing about depression- you have no “logic.” The logic is ‘I’m in pain, I’m so terribly sad, down and broken, I can’t stand another minute in this flesh.’

One of my favorite things about depression is the counteractive symptoms. I’m fatigued, but sometimes I can’t sleep; night terrors, nightmares or restlessness. When I can’t sleep, I try to stay up and be productive, but I struggle to concentrate. It all just makes me want to throw something. I get so frustrated. All of this is feels so inescapable. 

J.Says answers another advice question she received. "From your personal & psychological perspective, what do you think will happen to my niece as she gets older? Her parents nit-pick & criticize her every move and she is only 8. What do you think the end result will be?"-Marchelle (recorded prior week)
To submit questions for J.Says, click the "Contact/Info" tab and fill out the form. J.Says is NOT a licensed therapist. Follow advice at your own discretion. *Note: This video was moved from a another section. 

J.Says responds to an advice question sent to her: "Do relationship titles really matter?"-Jessica T. Hit the "Contact/Info" tab to submit questions for J.Says. J.Says is NOT a licensed therapist. Follow advice at your own discretion. *Note: This video has been moved from another section.

One's self concept is sometimes aligned with how others perceive you; sometimes it's not.

Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

6-3-12
I spend more time explaining and defending my emotions than expressing them.

The cycle is this: people are curious to know what’s wrong with you. At first, they’re concerned and all ears. Their advice is sympathetic, sometimes empathetic and tender. Time passes and they become fatigued with YOUR sadness. They want you to hurry up and get better so they either A) don’t have to hear it anymore, B) don’t have to see you hurt, which bothers them, or C) a little of both.

"And when I laugh or smile, they're so relieved; I just want to punch a hole in the wall."-Starr (General Hospital)

Some withdraw from you gradually. For those that stick around, they begin to let you know somehow that they think it’s time for you to move on. You’re not healing fast enough for them. They become pushy, impatient, irritated and pressuring. It made logical sense that you would be sad, but now they believe you’re doing it to yourself. Somehow, it’s YOUR FAULT or YOUR CHOICE that you’re not happy yet. You’re “dwelling,” not trying or holding on to your pain because you’re “comfortable in it,” as uncomfortable as you are. They begin to assess, misinterpret, misunderstand and/or judge your every action and statement. If you disagree with any of their theories or opinions in any way, you’re being resistant to change or argumentative. They become more agitated with you and sometimes hostile. In all of their responses and body language, it seaps out what they REALLY think of you, your situation and how you’re dealing with it. You feel everyone is officially tired of you. With no one to turn to, you shut down. You finally do what everyone has been wanting you to do- shut up. Some people isolate themselves and kind of become a loner, while others put on the happy face everyone’s been waiting to see. People start to think you finally “got over it” since they haven’t heard about anything in a while, but you know the truth. The pain tucked away.