Being the Kelly Clarkson fan I am, I follow her Facebook news feed. On February 8th, her team posted her two upcoming People Magazine covers (week of February 18th) in which the headline was “I Found Love At Last!...Finding Mr. Right.” I was flabbergasted for a few reasons. In 2010, I wrote an article about how magazines with a mostly female audience over-emphasize sex and romance as opposed to self-accomplishment and growth. Being the girl-power singer Clarkson is, I’m surprised she would feed into such a bad media habit (granted there may be more to her feature than the headline indicates). Secondly, I wonder why she would do that type of cover story as if an engagement break or divorce can’t happen. How foolish would she feel if they split or had a bitter ending? She would’ve publicly declared that she figured dating out and found “Mr. Right,” only to appear to be really wrong. Once footballer Roy Williams became singer Kelly Rowland’s ex-fiancé, Rowland said she felt “embarrassed” for repeatedly publicly gushing about her engagement and covering Modern Bride, vowing to keep her future rmoantic relationships private.

I’ve never understood why celebrities advertise their relationships with cover stories and joint interviews. What’s the story there? So what, you’re in love. I thought they didn’t like everyone being in their business. I find it especially obnoxious when they arrogantly imply they have invincible, eternal love or make the same declarations about their current partner that they did about the last three. Maybe you should stop falling in love like a high-school student, but that’s another article. Actors Nicole Kidman & Tom Cruise reportedly claimed to People Magazine that they would “be on their honeymoon for the rest of their lives.” Are they dead, because I’m pretty sure their honeymoon is over. As a matter of fact, isn’t Cruise ending is third honeymoon with Katie Holmes, whom he notoriously giddily jumped on Oprah’s couch about? Unless you’re shipping a project or overcame some hurdle together, like a severe illness, why are you promoting your relationship again?

Considering the buzz it creates, you would think celebrities would be the ones to publicize their romantic entanglements the most, but they have nothing on everyday people. It’s crazy how many of our loved ones make shrines to their relationships out of their social media pages. I know one person who every other status or photo is about or of their boyfriend. The boyfriend comments on every post and they actually go back and forth having conversations that everyone can see. It makes me wonder…"Is your relationship for you or me?" The way some people plaster it, you would think their relationship was a product or service. I also want to ask “Do you have an identity outside of your relationship?" Most people use sites like Tumblr or Facebook to show their interests. You can learn a lot by looking at someone’s social media page. If you look at my Tumblr, you’ll learn that I battle with depression, love music (especially Beyonce` & Demi Lovato), voted for Obama, watch General Hospital (recast Jason!) and love High School Musical. If I look at some other people’s pages, all I’ll learn is that they’re in a relationship. Guess that’s who they are. And of course, if they break up with their beloved, all of the sudden they’ll be hush-hush. The moral to this story, kids, is that when you publicize your relationship, not only are you inviting everyone into your business, but you look foolish and like you’re defining yourself by your mate.

J.Says responds to an advice question sent to her: "Do relationship titles really matter?"-Jessica T. Hit the "Contact/Info" tab to submit questions for J.Says. J.Says is NOT a licensed therapist. Follow advice at your own discretion. *Note: This video has been moved from another section.

"What about the plans that you left behind…what about the promise that you made to stay with me ‘till your dying day, said you’d never go away…they’re just things that people say…”-Lady Antebellum

I was listening to Christina Aguilera’s “Back to Basics” album, in which there are few songs inspired by her relationship with then-husband Jordan Bratman, with whom she had a son. Aguilera croons about how negatively different her life would be without him and how he “saves her from herself” and so on. I love the songs, but after I got through singing along and loving them, I thought “Wow. She made some powerful statements and yet, they’re not together anymore.” More than likely, if Aguilera’s current relationship goes well, there will be new odes dedicated.

I honestly wonder how people keep their faith in the existence and/or longevity of romantic love after hearing and giving so many professions. Don’t declarations and professions lose their meaning, power and potency the more you hear or say them? Do they or don’t they? Forgive me if I sound a little jaded or cynical (which I am), but I’m trying to figure out how to wisely operate here. Someone told me they love me. And while I still believe that to be true, they’re not in my life anymore at all. So what am I supposed to do when the next person tells me they love me? Walk on air and feel like I have a partner in crime like I did the 1st time? Shall we remove such declarations from our mouths altogether? Should we reword them? Should we say “I’ll love you until the irreversible or unforgivable happens” instead?

Just to be clear, my ponderings on this topic didn’t start with my broken heart. Prior to, I always thought it was silly for celeb couples to do magazine cover stories about their love as if they couldn’t breakup. Unless they were discussing something specific, such as how they handle long-distance or how one mate battling an illness has impacted their relationship, I thought it was pointless and the couple would feel stupid for parading their relationship around later on. Last summer, when “Nick and Vanessa’s Dream Wedding” aired on TLC, I watched TV personality Vanessa Minnilo giddily prance around in her wedding dress and sing to her new husband Nick Lachey “you get to have this forever.” Earlier in the special she touted to others “I’m going to be Mrs. Lachey.” It felt strange to hear her say all of this. I thought “how can she be so proud and sure? She says ‘I’m going to be Mrs. Lachey’ as if there hasn’t already been a Mrs. Lachey (Nick and songstress Jessica Simpson split in 2005 after 3 years of marriage). People promise before family, friends  and God (if they’re Christian), to support, love and protect one another, only to rip each other to shreds, become the one their spouse needs protection from and split years, if not months, later. The divorce rate is through the roof. Granted, few promise forever without the intention of trying to make forever happen, but it just doesn’t. It’s funny how you can build such a life and a history with someone, and with just a few words or actions, it can all go away as quickly as it came. It makes you question your senses and your ability to decipher what’s the truth and what’s a lie; what’s dependable and what’s not. Everything seems so futile afterward.  Can’t help but ask are “I love you,”“you make my life better” and all that other stuff just things that people say?

Or at least part of the potential reason anyway.

The reason why a lot of people fall in love is the same reason why they “fall out” of love. It’s really easy to fall for someone or get attached when they take care of you. It’s easy when they nurture long-unmet needs, seemingly fill voids or fulfill neglected desires. To a degree, when someone does all of those things, they become some sort of security-blanket, safe-place or “superman.” This concept may seem romantic or beautiful in theory, and isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can be the death of a relationship.
People go down the aisle or enter a committed relationship subconsciously thinking “I’ll fill your voids, you’ll fill mine. I save you, you save me.” Initially, it’s a fair exchange that works out perfectly. But eventually, with time, age and personal growth (or stagnation for that matter), it gets to be too much. You suddenly have the weight of your own internal issues AND those of your significant other on your back. “Saving” each other didn’t work out as well as you thought and you’re beginning to resent your role as savior. In addition, you’re agitated by the fact that your partner doesn’t want to save you anymore either.  That, or you’re agitated because they want you to “be who you used to be” or change into someone new. Now you’re out of a safe-place. Your home, or the time you spend together, has now gone from paradise to a battleground, and like Deena Jones in Dreamgirls, “you’re not at home in your own home.” You’re back to unmet needs, gaping voids and unfulfilled desires. On the way to divorce or a break-up, emotional cheating or infidelity may occur (for some reason, people think that a new person will be more capable of saving them). If not infidelity, the ugliness comes in the form of depression, substance and/or domestic abuse, or the couple rips each other in half emotionally.

Kids, significant others are supposed to be support, not saviors, band-aids or therapists. Like Oprah Winfrey said in her series finale, “Don't wait for anybody to fix you, save you or complete you. Jerry Maguire was just a movie." ONLY you can fill your voids. It’s just not a reasonable or a fair expectation that your partner is going to heal your wounds. Anytime the source of your fulfilled desires, filled voids or met needs is someone else, you will lose because the moment that person isn’t around anymore or stops doing their “job,” you’re wounds will get deeper, wider and more painful. Most couples have their share of baggage that they bring into the relationship. It’s your job to do whatever it takes to reduce your baggage as much you can, so that you don’t unfairly project that responsibility to your partner.