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New Mates Heal Broken Hearts?

11/10/2011

1 Comment

 
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So I got my heartbroken a year ago and I’m still recovering. More than 1 person has suggested dating other people. I’m against that because I understand that even if you intend to have a casual dating relationship with someone, that doesn’t stop the possibility of an emotional attachment, on anyone’s end, from developing. I also know that if I want a committed relationship, it takes a WHOLE person with a solid sense of identity to make it work, NOT half. Whatever emotional work I need to do to feel more complete and whole again, I need to do it WITHOUT being in a relationship. Relationships take an enormous amount of emotional energy and commitment that one simply cannot offer when they’re still patching up and nursing a broken heart or trying to redefine themselves after pouring their soul into another person (and possibly losing sight of who they were in the process).

I’m a big believer in pausing and taking time to absorb the epiphanies that come after a life-changing or lesson-giving experience. When coming out of such an event, I believe one should take time to reflect, analyze, readjust and rebuild. What just happened to me and what am I supposed to learn from this? How did I get here, where do I want to go now and how do I get there?  All too often, people continue about life without absorbing the helpful life tools that the experience presented. They may have an epiphany, but they don’t take time to figure out how to implement it. The end result is making the same mistakes over and over again and not developing into the person they were meant to be or doing what they were meant to do. In application to coming out of a relationship and going right into another, those who don’t heal up or “absorb the epiphany,” end up dating a person with a similar personality or bringing detrimental emotional baggage into the relationship. Emotional baggage comes in a lot of different forms, too. It can come in the form of trust issues, paranoia, codependence, or having unreasonable expectations of your partner (like subconsciously expecting them to fill your voids or patch up your heart; which only YOU can do). 

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Most people seek a new relationship (be it causal or committed) soon after a breakup because they’re having trouble dealing with the isolation of affection and attention. When you’re used to being flirted with, kissed, hugged, sexed, emotionally bonded or having constant company, it can be difficult to suddenly be without. Going on a date or having a new boo is like a warm blanket. Comfort food. A night light. It also boosts confidence as it gives the illusion that you’ve moved on. Having a new boo, despite how effective it may feel, cures the symptom (isolation of affection and attention) and not the illness (emotional brokenness, heartache, loss, etc.). Even in a casual situation, you run the risk of becoming dependent on flirtatious company.

I am going to be honest with myself: I’M NOT READY. I’m not ready for ANY type of romantic undertaking, and I refuse to engage with someone romantically in an attempt “to move on.” I refuse to make a band-aid out of someone.  I refuse to engage being “half” a person. If I pursue dating or a relationship, I want it to be because of what someone is bringing to the table and I’m equipped to go forth, NOT because I need to try something to start over. Crawling up under another person is NOT the answer to healing. It’s an internal issue that requires an internal resolution.

1 Comment
Crystal D.
12/4/2011 10:41:59 am

This is so true. Rushing into another relationship is a mistake so many people make. What they don't realize is no one else can make us happy. It's too big a job to ask them to. If we aren't satisfied with ourselves first, we set ourselves up for all sorts of trouble and become bait for the most unsavory sorts of people.

Someone I once knew proved the consequences of rushing on. She had her heart terribly broken when her bf broke off their engagement. Instead of healing, she ran to the first pair of open arms she could find. The guy she found smoked so much (tobacco, marijuana, and who knows what else) that she had a constant dry cough even when she wasn't around him. Any time she got angry and said she wanted to break up with him, he threatened to commit suicide.

After she finally called it quits, she rushed off again. This time, to a foreign guy who was in the US for a few months. He broke off the relationship because he didn't want as strong a commitment as she expected...

so she was off again. This time, she found an old married man and became affair #6 for him. Now this old man is camping out on her parents' couch because they can't afford an apartment. As far as I know, she's still unhappy and messed up inside.

It's important to take time to heal and find your significance in the right things. If you try to find your identity in other people, your identity will end up no better than the psychos you get stuck with.

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