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J.Says Journal: Friendships in Your 20's

4/15/2013

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

As I triumph and tumble through my 20’s, I’ve had a lot of “ah-ha” moments about different things. One of the more recent realizations has been about friendship. I think most people have something they yearn for throughout life that sets up a pattern of behavior and in my case, I’ve always wanted that classic “BFF;” like the ones you see on TV. You know, the “Shawn” to my “Cory” (“Boy Meets World”)? The friend that uncannily understands you, grows with you as opposed to apart from you and you two bicker once every blue moon? Some may say that type of friend is rare or doesn’t exist, but as cynical as I tend to be, I’ve always believed in the concept because of how often I’ve seen it in daily life and it seemed like everyone had that classic friend but me. Most of grade school, I was always the least popular kid; I didn’t fit in for some silly reason or another. I got separated from the one kid who was my partner in crime due to being a “navy brat (my searches to find her on social media have been unsuccessful).” Anyhow, being low on friends lead me to invite anyone into my life that would be nice to me. This wasn’t a great idea. Long story short, I tolerated a lot things I shouldn’t have and was hesitant to end relationships because either I was scared I wouldn’t make any new friends or it felt like I would be wasting years of time and effort. I should’ve taken the leap while I was still in the large social world that was college, because it’s harder to make new comrades you can deeply connect with once in the workforce.

I’ve realized how much various relationships gradually and insidiously brought me down, and when you’re already cynical and have an ongoing battle with depression, it’s a formula for disaster. Things can get especially tricky with friendships in your 20’s, as most 20-somethings have a lot of self-absorption, arrogance, insensitivity and self-righteousness that they’re oblivious to.

You have friends that will tell you how to behave, nitpick at everything you do, convince you you're crazy, strange, need to change and that everything is wrong with you. They’ll make you inadvertently (and sometimes purposely) feel bad about yourself; see every flaw in you. Use the things you’ve told them in confidence to judge you or take digs when it’s convenient. In the least, they’ll fail to repay the love and respect you’ve given them. It will be hard to dissociate and say goodbye because they were all there for you at some point, but that was some point. Once they no longer meet emotional needs, they're taking up space. I used to hate the adage that some are around for a “season and a reason” because I've always believed that loyalty is a part of true friendship, but not everyone operates that way, unfortunately. Not everyone has the same expectations of their friends or the same definitions of friendship. Some fail as a friend, not because they're bad or disloyal people, but because they don't know how to be a friend. There are more people in this world who have never been truly loved and don't know what it is to be bonded to another, than those who do. Most spend their life chasing that type of thing. Whether or not you have sympathy for their lack of knowledge and the patience to try to show them what it means, is it up to you, but know that it's a very difficult task and your pupil may never learn.

It will be easy to accept poor friendships or behavior because you don’t know that there’s something better. After a couple of these bad boys, you’ll think this crap is the norm and Shawn Hunter isn’t out there, but he is. Try making friends in a setting unorthodox to you. Shawn may be of a different background or culture than you. He might be that kid next to you in class, church, work or hell, Wal-mart. You never know. I think I’ve finally found Shawn; let’s hope I’m right. We met in the most unusual, unexpected way. So far, this is one of the best friendships I’ve ever had and it only made my peer history insights more vivid. I’m already seeing a positive transition in my attitude and perspective. It’s funny how much a simple change in scenery (or in this case, camaraderie) can make a world of difference.

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Guys Keep 'Platonic' from Happening

12/7/2012

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People's Perceptions & YOUR Self-Esteem

7/2/2012

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One's self concept is sometimes aligned with how others perceive you; sometimes it's not.
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J.Says Journal: Shutting Down

6/14/2012

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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

6-3-12
I spend more time explaining and defending my emotions than expressing them.

The cycle is this: people are curious to know what’s wrong with you. At first, they’re concerned and all ears. Their advice is sympathetic, sometimes empathetic and tender. Time passes and they become fatigued with YOUR sadness. They want you to hurry up and get better so they either A) don’t have to hear it anymore, B) don’t have to see you hurt, which bothers them, or C) a little of both.

"And when I laugh or smile, they're so relieved; I just want to punch a hole in the wall."-Starr (General Hospital)

Some withdraw from you gradually. For those that stick around, they begin to let you know somehow that they think it’s time for you to move on. You’re not healing fast enough for them. They become pushy, impatient, irritated and pressuring. It made logical sense that you would be sad, but now they believe you’re doing it to yourself. Somehow, it’s YOUR FAULT or YOUR CHOICE that you’re not happy yet. You’re “dwelling,” not trying or holding on to your pain because you’re “comfortable in it,” as uncomfortable as you are. They begin to assess, misinterpret, misunderstand and/or judge your every action and statement. If you disagree with any of their theories or opinions in any way, you’re being resistant to change or argumentative. They become more agitated with you and sometimes hostile. In all of their responses and body language, it seaps out what they REALLY think of you, your situation and how you’re dealing with it. You feel everyone is officially tired of you. With no one to turn to, you shut down. You finally do what everyone has been wanting you to do- shut up. Some people isolate themselves and kind of become a loner, while others put on the happy face everyone’s been waiting to see. People start to think you finally “got over it” since they haven’t heard about anything in a while, but you know the truth. The pain tucked away.

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J.Says Journal: Bullied Out of Heartbreak

1/10/2012

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What it sounds like when you speak
Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

1/10/11 6:13pm

I had lunch with friends and everyone was taking turns updating the group on what’s new in their lives. I hate the update merry-go-round, especially when things aren’t going as well in my life as I want them to. Not necessarily because I’m embarrassed about anything, but because I don’t always feel like getting interviewed about my life or going into some in-depth discussion. Save that for therapy.  Anyhow, when it was my turn to update, I failed at ducking and dodging. It came up that I’m still heartbroken and hung-up on my ex. I then was given a sermon on how I need to move on and date some other guy to do so, which I’m already opposed to. I just want to be left alone. This is MY process and I can’t be on anyone else’s healing clock; everyone is different in what it takes for them to recover from and cope with loss. If I could be “over it” instantaneously, I would. Sometimes it makes me want to stay where I am emotionally because of external pressure. I want to move because I want to and I’m ready to, not because someone told me it’s time. I’m also over people telling me how much value and energy I should assign to this situation. No one gets to define what’s important to ME. Invalidating my feelings or what’s important to me isn’t going to make me feel empowered; it’s exactly the opposite. I feel bullied instead of supported.

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    J.Says Daily

    My dump area for all my random thoughts, observations and advice that don't fit into the other categories. 

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