After having a brief discussion about dating with a new friend of mine, he said “You seem like a really strong person.” Instantly reflecting on all of the moments where I felt weak in the last year, but yet very strong in identity and character, I responded “It depends. Everyone differs in what knocks them down or makes them weaker. I believe everyone is strong in SOME way or area.” We often like to measure and judge other people’s level of strength. We throw out adjectives like pathetic, spineless, cowardly, and fragile; forgetting times where we could be easily pegged as such. A breakup may be the end of the world for one person, and not a big deal to someone else. Having little money may turn one person’s hair gray, while another person doesn’t stress about it at all. Don’t be so quick to call someone weak; We’re all a little bit tough in our own way. It’s funny how the simplest things or conversations inspire a blog post, huh? 

So I got my heartbroken a year ago and I’m still recovering. More than 1 person has suggested dating other people. I’m against that because I understand that even if you intend to have a casual dating relationship with someone, that doesn’t stop the possibility of an emotional attachment, on anyone’s end, from developing. I also know that if I want a committed relationship, it takes a WHOLE person with a solid sense of identity to make it work, NOT half. Whatever emotional work I need to do to feel more complete and whole again, I need to do it WITHOUT being in a relationship. Relationships take an enormous amount of emotional energy and commitment that one simply cannot offer when they’re still patching up and nursing a broken heart or trying to redefine themselves after pouring their soul into another person (and possibly losing sight of who they were in the process).

I’m a big believer in pausing and taking time to absorb the epiphanies that come after a life-changing or lesson-giving experience. When coming out of such an event, I believe one should take time to reflect, analyze, readjust and rebuild. What just happened to me and what am I supposed to learn from this? How did I get here, where do I want to go now and how do I get there?  All too often, people continue about life without absorbing the helpful life tools that the experience presented. They may have an epiphany, but they don’t take time to figure out how to implement it. The end result is making the same mistakes over and over again and not developing into the person they were meant to be or doing what they were meant to do. In application to coming out of a relationship and going right into another, those who don’t heal up or “absorb the epiphany,” end up dating a person with a similar personality or bringing detrimental emotional baggage into the relationship. Emotional baggage comes in a lot of different forms, too. It can come in the form of trust issues, paranoia, codependence, or having unreasonable expectations of your partner (like subconsciously expecting them to fill your voids or patch up your heart; which only YOU can do). 

Most people seek a new relationship (be it causal or committed) soon after a breakup because they’re having trouble dealing with the isolation of affection and attention. When you’re used to being flirted with, kissed, hugged, sexed, emotionally bonded or having constant company, it can be difficult to suddenly be without. Going on a date or having a new boo is like a warm blanket. Comfort food. A night light. It also boosts confidence as it gives the illusion that you’ve moved on. Having a new boo, despite how effective it may feel, cures the symptom (isolation of affection and attention) and not the illness (emotional brokenness, heartache, loss, etc.). Even in a casual situation, you run the risk of becoming dependent on flirtatious company.

I am going to be honest with myself: I’M NOT READY. I’m not ready for ANY type of romantic undertaking, and I refuse to engage with someone romantically in an attempt “to move on.” I refuse to make a band-aid out of someone.  I refuse to engage being “half” a person. If I pursue dating or a relationship, I want it to be because of what someone is bringing to the table and I’m equipped to go forth, NOT because I need to try something to start over. Crawling up under another person is NOT the answer to healing. It’s an internal issue that requires an internal resolution.