Confusion, anyone?
I major problem I see with a lot of people in the dating game is that they link up with others that romantically or emotionally don’t have the same desires or expectations. For example, someone who seeks a committed relationship dating a person who only desires to date casually. As illogical as it may seem to do such a thing, people consciously and subconsciously do it all the time. On the conscious end, individuals often convince themselves they can change someone else’s feelings or comfortably change their own. The subconscious folk blindly have romantic entanglements without seeking a clear of understanding of the other persons (or their own) intentions. Dating this way typically ends up in confusion, resentment, frustration and heartbreak. How you start as a couple is often how you end. Let me offer an example to illustrate my point.
Scenario: Ryan wants to get married and is looking for a committed relationship. Ryan became taken with Jennifer who recently got out of a relationship with Brandon. Jennifer is VERY interested in Ryan and her behavior reflects this, but she told Ryan she wanted to remain friends for the time being because she still deciding whether or not to go back to Brandon. Ryan was convinced that if he proved himself to be a more suitable mate than Brandon, Jennifer would give into her feelings for him and forget about her ex. Jennifer decided to change their status from “friends” to “casually dating.” Jennifer told Ryan she was focusing on him and new dating options, yet she still kept in occasional contact with Brandon.
Scenario: Ryan wants to get married and is looking for a committed relationship. Ryan became taken with Jennifer who recently got out of a relationship with Brandon. Jennifer is VERY interested in Ryan and her behavior reflects this, but she told Ryan she wanted to remain friends for the time being because she still deciding whether or not to go back to Brandon. Ryan was convinced that if he proved himself to be a more suitable mate than Brandon, Jennifer would give into her feelings for him and forget about her ex. Jennifer decided to change their status from “friends” to “casually dating.” Jennifer told Ryan she was focusing on him and new dating options, yet she still kept in occasional contact with Brandon.
Jennifer and Ryan will LIKELY not work, even if she stops talking to Brandon. 1st, Ryan wants ultimately to get married; at minimum a serious relationship. With Jennifer, she went from “friends” to “causally dating;” two forms of NOT serious. NOT committed. She might have a strong interest in Ryan, but being the Bonnie to his Clyde is not a part of her goal. She is emotionally going to behave differently. Ryan is currently one of Jennifer’s OPTIONS, NOT the CHOICE. While Ryan is centralizing ALL of his energy, heart & focus on Jennifer, he’ll receive most, if not less, of her energy. Either way, it won’t be equal. She has a high potential to “yo-yo” or be emotionally fickle; one moment in love and dedicated, the next moment unsure (There are varied reasons why she may become unsure; interest in another person, Brandon returning, wanting singlehood or freedom, etc.). At its ugliest, the moment Jennifer feels suffocated or discontent, she’ll quickly remind Ryan “I told you I didn’t want a serious relationship!”(despite her acting like the “forever yours” girlfriend). In an attempt to avoid all of this, Ryan may try to compromise and try to make himself okay with just casually dating, but the fact remains he isn’t. He wants to put a ring on it. He’s going to get frustrated. He’s going to feel like he settled. He’s going to feel resentful, and all of that energy is going to seep into their dynamic.
Independent of what the relationship status is on paper, how you internally feel about the other person or the relationship will affect your approach and behavior. Be honest with yourself about your internal feelings and act accordingly. You can tell yourself to go into “casual dating” mode all you want, but that doesn’t mean your emotions toward the other person will change and match the relationship level.
If you’re in a dating situation where you both want something casual and it seems to be progressing into something more, TALK about it. It’s important to have that evaluative conversation. Otherwise, your relationship will gradually reach an ambiguous definition. In the wake of ambiguity, emotions can rise, expectations are unclear and entitlement can set in. You (or your dating partner) may feel entitled to things in which you are not owed. The “what are we?” or the “I have deeper feelings for you” conversation is not an easy or comfortable one to have, but alas, it must be done. If you’re uncertain about what someone’s dating intentions are, pay close attention to their statements and actions. Are they congruent? If not, that’s a sign you may want to get out of Dodge. Well, that’s my romance advice for the day. Hope that helps.
Independent of what the relationship status is on paper, how you internally feel about the other person or the relationship will affect your approach and behavior. Be honest with yourself about your internal feelings and act accordingly. You can tell yourself to go into “casual dating” mode all you want, but that doesn’t mean your emotions toward the other person will change and match the relationship level.
If you’re in a dating situation where you both want something casual and it seems to be progressing into something more, TALK about it. It’s important to have that evaluative conversation. Otherwise, your relationship will gradually reach an ambiguous definition. In the wake of ambiguity, emotions can rise, expectations are unclear and entitlement can set in. You (or your dating partner) may feel entitled to things in which you are not owed. The “what are we?” or the “I have deeper feelings for you” conversation is not an easy or comfortable one to have, but alas, it must be done. If you’re uncertain about what someone’s dating intentions are, pay close attention to their statements and actions. Are they congruent? If not, that’s a sign you may want to get out of Dodge. Well, that’s my romance advice for the day. Hope that helps.
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