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J.Says Journal: Fear

9/9/2012

4 Comments

 
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Straight from my journal, live and in living print.

9-2-2012 
I let fear dictate my life. I try to control my attachments to things and people so that I can’t be affected if I lose them. I sometimes tone down or re-route my ambitions so I won’t be setting myself up for disappointments or failures. I might deny myself an experience if I think the risk is too high. I don’t think trying to be responsibly cautious with attachments, ambitions and other decisions is bad, but I know it can be harmful if there isn’t any reasonable balance. Balance is something I struggle to have; I’m such an extreme personality, but that’s another journal for another day. I think different areas of my life have been stunted or are stagnant because I let my fears overwhelm me. It doesn’t help that I’m a control freak on top of that; hell, I’m a control freak just so bad things won’t happen.

I recently had the epiphany that I’m both afraid to have ambitions and afraid not to have them. I really should be working in media. I’m a writer and a music nerd; it’s only fitting. However, I’ve convinced myself that those dreams are untouchable and if I put a lot of energy toward it, I’m going to be deeply disappointed, feel like a failure and lost because I can’t execute my passions. I say all the time that I should find a way to be content with a run-of-the-mill, less entertaining, more practical, every day job and/or life because that’s inevitably what’s going to happen. Find a way to be happy with settling, so when that day comes, I won’t despise my life. On the flip side, I’m scared to not have ambitions for fear I’ll be shoulda’-coulda’ woulda’ ing, stuck in monotony and not living my best life, as Oprah would say. 

4 Comments
Crystal D.
9/10/2012 12:40:09 pm

I think being a reporter would be too ordinary. If I saw you on television, I would expect your role to be talk show host. You've got a lot of good ideas and a big personality.

Reply
J.Says
9/13/2012 07:50:15 am

Thank you, Crystal! I soooo appreciate the compliment, vote of confidence and encouragement.

Reply
Hollis link
9/13/2012 08:00:42 am

At 43 I still struggle with this, J. But I discovered not too long ago that if I can force myself to be fearless at LEAST regarding my real talents and passions, and just take leaps let myself fall toward my goals, I never actually fail. It also helped me to realize I define my own success. Often discovering a venture or relationship isn't right for me is as valuable as finding those that do. It keeps refining my focus, I guess.

Oh yeah, and what Crystal said too. You know I'm a huge fan of your writing, creativity and all-around voice. The world needs you out there telling your truth, girl!

Reply
Bubbly
9/14/2012 12:50:35 pm

Maybe you should check out the book "Mindsets" by Stanford University professor and psychologist Carol Dweck. I was once in the same position as you and that book really helped me push myself and accept challenges.

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