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20th Anniversary: Why "Titanic's" Rose is Actually a Butthole

12/19/2017

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PictureOfficial movie poster (Paramount)
Note from J.Says: This is just for giggles; don't give yourself a wedgie.
 
20 years ago this month, James Cameron's Titanic sailed into theaters, and boy, did it live up to its name. Everything about it was mammoth-sized. The extensive research, underwater expeditions and top-of-the-line graphics required to make the film created a budget of $200 million; the highest of its age. That was chump change compared to its history-making box office numbers of over a billion. Talk about a return on an investment. This record went unmatched for 13 years, until Cameron decided to outdo himself with 2010's Avatar. Titanic is still tied with Ben-Hur (1959) for the most Oscar wins, with 11 trophies. Though 93% of the soundtrack is orchestral score, it's one of the best-selling albums of all-time. Its lone pop tune, a little ditty by Celine Dion called "My Heart Will Go On," was likely responsible for that. Gorgeously arranged, written and performed to capture the movie's essence, it's no wonder it was immensely popular. Ironically, the popularity (and subsequent overplay) is why it's arguably lost its luster. The last thing anyone thinks about when they hear it now is its quality, but I digress. Titanic also made global celebrities out of its leads, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. Their portrayals of star-crossed lovers Jack Dawson and Rose DeWitt Bukater were so convincing, people "ship" them to this day. With Tumblr pages, fan-fiction forums and faux sequel trailers galore, the film's pop-culture iconicism is ever apparent.
 
You know the story: 17-year-old Rose is forced into an arranged engagement with the domineering (and much older) Caledon "Cal" Hockley (Billy Zane), to save her family from impending squalor. They're set to be married following their voyage on the Titanic. Rose quickly falls in love with Jack after he talks her out of committing suicide. He's a destitute sketch-artist, but he offers her fun and freedom from upper-class trappings. Just when she's decided to run away with him at ship dock, Titanic strikes an iceberg and begins to sink. The pair end up in frigid waters, and of course, Jack dies from hypothermia. It's all very sad, haha. Beforehand, Jack makes Rose vow to survive. She goes on to have a life of adventure. Amid all the distress and peril surrounding Rose, you root for her and want to see her win. However, there's something about her that most fans won't admit: she's kind of a butthole. Don't @ me or accuse me of heresy; you know I ain't lyin'. Even Jack clocked it: "Rose, you're no picnic, alright? You're a spoiled little brat..."
 
Don't worry, owning the truth won't taint your love. The Little Mermaid was a brat too, and an idiot for selling her voice for a prince she didn't know, but Ariel's still my girl. Simba was a disobedient chump, but he's still The Lion King. Plus, it's been 20 years; I think it's safe to be honest now. In case you're in denial, here's a list of reasons why *Andre 3000 voice* "Roses really smell like poo-ooh-ooh-ooh!:"
 
She Was Unnecessarily Rude as Hell
Throughout the movie, Rose makes snarky and rude remarks that are uncalled for. The most boorish of which was during a lunch with ship executives J. Bruce Ismay (Jonathan Hyde) and Thomas Andrews (Victor Garber). To Rose's irritation, her mother (Ruth; played by Frances Fisher) and Cal and were micromanaging her at the table. Instead of letting them have it, she takes her annoyance out on Ismay. When he brags about Titanic's grandiosity, she quips: "Do you know of Dr. Freud?... His ideas about the male preoccupation with size might be of particular interest to you." Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud was known for his sexuality-based theories, including those regarding penis size. Rose basically implied that Ismay had a tiny pecker. Why did she have to humiliate him like that in front of everyone? What did he ever do to her? Sure, he had is part in the sinking, but she didn't know that.

PictureBeautiful butthole in blue (Paramount/Fox)
When an 100-year-old Rose (Gloria Stuart) shares her memories with Titanic researcher Brock Lovett (Bill Paxton), she begins by saying "It's been 84 years (this line has since been immortalized as a meme)..." Lovett logically assumes she's having trouble with recall and assures her that any tidbit will do. She snips back, "Do you want to hear this or not, Mr. Lovett? It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint..." Rose had been prodded prior to her shot at Ismay, but there was no trigger here. The man was just being sensible and courteous, but as we see with Rose's treatment of Jack, no good deed goes unpunished. 
 
She Constantly Left Jack on a Hook
Rose had no loyalty and never had Jack's back. They first meet at Titanic's stern, where Rose contemplates jumping to end her life. Hoping to dissuade her, Jack removes his jacket and boots to prove he's serious about going in the ocean after her. She nearly slips, and her screams catch the crew's attention. Between Jack being stripped down and Rose's disheveled appearance, it's presumed he tried to rape her. She allows enough time for Jack to get handcuffed and chewed out by a summoned Cal before she speaks up. She could've told the stewards right away there wasn't any funny business, but no.
 
Cal rewards Jack's heroism with a first-class dinner invitation. He and Mama Ruth waste no opportunity to throw shade at Jack's economic status, and Rose does nothing to defend or protect him. She had the gall to literally blow smoke in her mother's face and suggestively talk about penis size at a lunch table, but she couldn't stick up for the man who saved her life. TRASH.
 
That wasn't the only time Rose let Jack almost catch a case fooling around with her. Unbeknownst to him, he would be the center of her elaborate plot to break things off with Cal. Earlier, Cal gave her the extravagant Heart of the Ocean diamond as a gift. She asked Jack to do a nude portrait of her wearing only the diamond, intending to leave it in Cal's safe with a dismissal note. She successfully poked the bear. Infuriated, Cal frames Jack for theft, and he's locked up while the ship sinks. A lot of time passes by. Rose was about to board a lifeboat and carry on, when Cal makes a snide comment about Jack's drawing being valuable in the morning. It isn't until then she realizes Jack is innocent and goes to free him. She set that whole thing in motion, and was just going to leave him down there to die.
 
After Rose gets Jack loose, they encounter a locked floor-gate. A steward tries to open it, but he drops his keys in the rapidly rising water and takes off. Jack dives down for them and struggles to get them in the hole. Rose repeatedly yells "Hurry, Jack!" Chick, I didn't see you trying to kick the gate or reach for the keys! Contribute, and then maybe you can bark orders.
 
She Was a Liar & Gossiper
White, black, teeny or titanic, Rose told lies of every color and size. When she retrieves Jack from the holding area, he asks "How did you find out I didn't do it [steal the Heart of the Ocean]?" She replies "I didn't; I just realized I already knew." *Kandi Burruss voice* The lies! The lies! As I explained moments ago, Cal's revealing statement is what sent her down to the flooding E-deck.
 
Rose fibbed to Jack again when she promised to "never let go," only to release his frozen dead hand and swim for help. Winslet joked about this on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert:  “I lie! I fully lie. I hold my hand up, I let him go."
 
Unlike everyone else, Rose wasn't impressed by Titanic. Upon boarding, she scoffs, "I don't see what all of the fuss is about. It doesn't look any bigger than the Mauretania." Later, however, she flatters Andrews: "Your ship is a wonder...Truly." 

PictureRose kept the "Heart of the Ocean" for 84 years (Paramount/Fox)
Jack didn't need or ask for juice on the first-class passengers, but Rose was happy to fill him in. She smiled and waved at people while she gossiped about John Jacob Astor's pregnant child bride, Benjamin Guggenheim's mistress and Lady Duff-Gordon's "naughty lingerie" line (all 3 were real-life travelers). So much for being above petty conversation. Cal reportedly killed himself in 1929, after the Wall Street Crash affected his assets. His children squabbled over the estate. Given that this was public knowledge and mostly inconsequential to Lovett, Rose didn't have to throw that out there, but she couldn't help herself.
 
She Was Bougie & Self-Absorbed
Rose may have claimed to hate upper-class life, but it was clear she was a member of the bourgeoisie. Her Mauretania comment showed she had no gratitude for or understanding of her privilege.
 
It was all too natural for her to point out that Jack really "got around for a poor boy," and to banish him from her "part of the ship" simply because he ruffled her feathers.
 
After Titanic went under, Rose floated on top of a door, while Jack suffered (without a life-jacket) in the frosty water. She had the nerve to complain, "I'm so cold...I can't feel my body." You're cold?? You can't feel your body?? You've got to be kidding me.
 
Lovett's search for the Heart of the Ocean had gone on for three years. At his wits end, he made a plea for information on television. Rose responded to the call, knowing good and well she wouldn't disclose her possession of the diamond. She wastes his time and teases him with details. Her (ulterior) motive? Accessing her drawing. Seeing the illustration, she rhetorically asks, "Wasn't I a dish?" She wasn't short on audacity or self-esteem.
 
She Screwed Lovett Over Royally: The Diamond & Her Death
You would think Lovett sunk the Titanic himself, the way Rose makes him pay for indulging her. She shows up on his research vessel with oodles of luggage, her goldfish and puppy, like she's moving in. She then tells this long, depressing tale with matters largely irrelevant to his cause. She deliberately hides the fact that she has the Heart of the Ocean, just to nonchalantly throw it overboard. To add insult to injury, she seemingly dies in her sleeping quarters. Not only did Lovett go empty-handed, he had to deal with a corpse and personal effects in the middle of the Atlantic. Again, *Stephanie Tanner voice* How rude!
 
Flinging that diamond was just plain mean. Rose evidently didn't have use for it, so why toss it and not give it to Lovett? Why keep it for decades in the first place? According to the horrible, Velveeta cheesy alternate ending, Rose wanted to put the jewel "back where it belongs" and teach Lovett a lesson about materialism. She mentions she never sold it because it made her think of Cal, and "somehow, she made it without his help." What bull crap. All that traveling she did, and she never made it back to the Atlantic? If the rock "belonged" there, why not dump it from the Carpathia (Titanic's rescue steamer) when she found it? Who ordained her to be Lovett's spirit guide? The woman with 5,011 pieces of luggage was going to teach him about materialism? If she didn't want to indirectly benefit from Cal, she could've donated the proceedings to charity or a person in need. Here's a thought: she could've anonymously sent the cash to her mother. Guess she didn't care that Ruth was sure to be penniless. At that time, being a single, older woman with no assets was almost like a death sentence. Speaking of...

PictureJack was kissed by a rose on the grave (Paramount/Fox)
She Let Jack & Ms. Trudy Die
The greatest of all of Rose's sins was letting Jack and Ms. Trudy die. Jack tried to get on the floating door, but it couldn't handle the weight (Mythbusters proved that it could). At no point did Rose say "Well Jack, what are you going to lay on, darling? Here, let's take turns." She didn't even offer him her lifejacket. She stayed awake, but didn't realize the guy was dead until a pick-up boat came around. Again, self-absorbed. Hours before, she proclaimed, "I love you, Jack." Again, Pinocchio.
 
Trudy Bolt (Amy Gaipa) was Rose's sweet and diligent maid. She comforted Rose when Cal flipped a table and shouted in her face for spending time with Jack. Underestimating the emergency notice to put on life-vests and head to the deck, Ruth sends Trudy back to their stateroom to turn on the heater. Rose saw the iceberg and knows first-hand that danger looms, but she lets this happen. Seconds later, she gets confirmation from Andrews that Titanic will completely sink, but she doesn't go back for Trudy. She proceeds to the deck, where Ruth safely embarks on a lifeboat. Rose forfeits her seat to find Jack. Trudy meets her fate when the ship tilts and she slides down the floor. She would've been alive and sitting next to Ruth if Rose had said something.
 
She Cheated on Cal & Didn't Give a Crap About Her Future Husband
Now, I'm the last person to advocate for the misogynistic, arrogant, cowardly and cold-blooded Cal, but facts are facts. Rose openly flirted and canoodled with Jack, while wearing Cal's ring on her finger. In preparing for this article, I relived various scenes on YouTube. To my surprise, several users sympathized with the villainous steel heir, and felt he truly loved Rose. One person referenced a couple of scenes as proof of such: "He asked her to open his heart to him. He knew she didn't fancy him and it bothered the guy. He was pressed to get her on a lifeboat, to the point of pretending to protect Jack. When she leaves the boat to be with Jack, look at his face: he's devastated. Overwhelmed with emotion, he tries to shoot Jack. He yells 'I hope you enjoy your time together' in pain. Rose made her choice known, but he still looks for her on the Carpathia, which her mom didn't do. He's sullen when he thinks she's dead."
 
Those are some interesting observations, but I say he confused his desire to own and control her for love. There's a deleted scene where Cal crassly spotlights he'll be Rose's first sexual partner. His kisses and touches are described in the script as "an act of possession, not intimacy."
 
Moving on, Lovett's men uncover that Rose was working as an actress in the 1920's until she married a man by the last name of Calvert. They had 2 children together and moved to Cedar Rapids. The 1920's huh? That's a minimum of 10 years post-Titanic. All that time being a bachelorette and an actress, Calvert must have been pretty special for her to give that up, right? Wrong. When she kicks the bucket at the end of the movie (so it's believed), she has a ghost reunion with Jack and the other passengers who lost their lives (including Trudy *side-eye*). Wearing a stunning white gown, she meets Jack at the top of the ballroom staircase and they kiss to applause. It has all the trimmings of a wedding. Mr. Calvert was Rose's first and only husband, and from their relationship came the granddaughter that took her to Lovett (Lizzy; Suzy Amis), but she goes to Jack in eternity. Hmph. Poor Mr. Calvert; he's perched in heaven waiting on "an absolution that will never come." What could you expect from a woman who cheated on her fiancé and fell in "do or die" love with a stranger in less than 5 days, though? 

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