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The Other Side of a Catfish

2/1/2014

2 Comments

 
PictureNev Schulman hosts MTV's "Catfish: The TV Show"
Catfish aren’t as evil as you might think.

If you keep up with pop-culture news at all or have young people living in your home, you’ve probably heard the term “catfish” used in a way that doesn’t exactly reference a sea creature. In lingo, a “Catfish” is someone who willingly falsifies all or part of their identity while interacting with others online, often through social media (like Facebook or Twitter) or dating services (ex. Match.com). One of the more high-profile instances of this was with college football star Manti Te’o, who claimed he fell in love with a Leukemia-ridden woman online and it proved to be a hoax (unfolding countering details of his story caused some to accuse Te’o of lying all together, but that’s beside the point). The January 3rd episode of “Dr. Phil” focused on catfishes from Africa who scam women for money. Photographer Nev Schulman gained national attention when he filmed a 2010 documentary about his experience being catfished that subsequently became a hit series for MTV (entitled “Catfish: The TV Show”), in which he helps others meet (and in some cases, expose) their elusive acquaintances. Some episodes conclude sweetly and the 2 people involved still end up together, but majority end ugly in heated arguments and broken hearts. Catfish are widely viewed as vile manipulators, but I think this is a giant misconception. Yes, there are plenty who intentionally scam and/or deceive others for sport (ex. bullying or pranking) or personal gain (ex. money and gifts), but I contend that most are everyday people who got in over their heads in a unique situation.

The internet is a customizable alternate universe. You can block out or absorb who and what you want. Don’t like your environment or the people around you? You can easily find those you’d consider more appetizing or those that have common interests without even trying. I blinked and I had a whole slew of people who battle with depression, just like me, following my Tumblr page. I assume they found me by searching “depression” or associated terms. Feel like you can’t express yourself freely? Feel like you have to censor yourself because of who’s reading and watching? Start anonymous account. Depending on the forum, no one ever has to see your face, hear your voice or even know your name. Particularly for misfits, the web can be the place where they finally are a rock-star. Able to accentuate certain parts of their personality or thinking, (because again, it’s a customizable universe) they can be recognized for being funny or talented, as opposed to “weird” or “uncool.” I follow a Twitter account that posts sarcastic jokes. It has thousands of followers. The person(s) behind it may not have a single friend in their daily life, but online, they’d be considered popular. For a lot of individuals, the digital space is an escape where they can be themselves, who they want to be or what they wish they were.  The person who throws up a fake picture, name or career is likely doing it because A) they’re using a medium where a visual is expected, like Facebook, and/or B) they’re afraid of being assessed and judged. People in their daily world look down on them, so why wouldn’t you?

Here’s how one of these online snowballs can form. Let’s say, for example, a guy named Greg is a gamer and he meets Sarah (very pedestrian names, huh?) on a message board. For a while, the two talk about games, cheating secrets and such. Then one day, Greg sees Sarah’s online; he doesn’t have anything game-related to talk about, he’s just bored or wants to say hello. They carry on a casual conversation and realize they have several things in common; maybe they’re from the same place or of the same culture. Now, their communication pattern includes games and personal things. They have quite the chemistry and the flirtatious energy is even more noticeable on the phone, as Greg asked to swap phone numbers. Sarah wants to exchange pictures. Greg freezes; he has a severe acne-problem and is worried Sarah will be grossed out and won’t be interested anymore. He takes a photo of an acquaintance and sends it to her. The pair have gotten to talking every day and the interest is growing. 

PictureDee Pimpin' (far right) & Keyonnah (c) meet Bow Wow (BET)
Sarah wants to meet. Greg ducks, dodges and reschedules. It’s perplexes Sarah, but Greg seems like a really great guy-which he is-so she ignores her instincts. Greg isn’t a habitual liar, but he ends up telling more lies to cover his bases. It all eventually comes out and it’s a disaster. Sarah feels betrayed because she was lied to by someone she thought she could trust, dumb because she didn’t follow her instincts and disappointed because her romantic hopes are now dashed. Greg isn’t a conniving person who planned to dupe or find love online; he was just insecure about who he was and wanted to take the romantic opportunity presented to him. Those who routinely carry on a facade with multiple people sometimes are disturbed or have an external issue (like a disorder), but insecurity and lack of self- acceptance is a huge factor in this behavior. Take “Dee Pimpin’” who was featured in episode 14 of “Catfish” season 2. Dee was an aspiring rapper who convincingly impersonated Bow Wow (see, there’s that “who you wish you were” thing) online for 6 months by sending fan Keyonnah large sums of money (Dee borrowed money from others, saying it was for performances and recordings) and coordinating communication times with Bow Wow’s film schedule at BET’s “106 & Park.” Dee was also deceiving women in person, going to great lengths to hide her gender and orientation (she’s a lesbian). Dee admitted the primary purpose of her charade was to meet women. It was apparent to me she wasn’t comfortable in her own skin and doubted that she’d be able to find love as she was.

Some might find it strange and be confused at how people can fall in love online, but it’s easier than imagined. If you notice, a lot of the people seen on Catfish-on both sides- are profoundly lonely or socially awkward. The thing is, believe it or not, they represent a large number of the population. I don’t know about you guys, but I talk to people on a regular basis who feel misunderstood, emotionally unfulfilled or isolated in some way. We’re attention-starved and our voids are wide; this is why social media exists in the 1st place-so we can mass connect with people who share our values and make a press conference out of our everyday thoughts and activities. We love “likes,” “retweets,” “reblogs,” and comments because they validate our feelings (it shows we’re not alone in them) and indicate approval. For those with a large following, it exalts them from Jane or John Doe to a master. We crave nurturing and focus, so if someone comes along offering that who fits our fancy, we’ll likely take it, and for a generation who practically lives online, cyber-love isn’t a stretch. Health-related hoaxes where the orchestrators never ask for money (ex. pretending to be the mother of a sick child) are the best examples of the desperation for attention. Some of the frequently-asked-questions people have about these situations are: “They (the catfish) never thought they would get caught?” and “How can someone (the catfished) be that gullible? As I described earlier, these situations develop like snowballs. Many catfish don’t expect things to go beyond the internet and they think they’ll always maintain control. The catfished aren’t as naïve as they seem. They see the red flags; they just ignore them because they really need the person on the other end of the screen to be real. Even in the smallest of ways, the identity they’ve come to know is a source of comfort, support and investment. Both of the guests featured on the “Dr. Phil” airing I mentioned were women who had been unlucky in love and didn’t have children. The 2nd woman was barely courted by her catfish; she just liked the idea of having someone to talk to-albeit briefly-everyday and say he loved her.

I may seem over-sympathetic to the catfishes of the world, but as the cliché says “There are 2 sides to every story” and if you look close, the 2 sides here are recurrently alike. Over again, there are some definite baddies-I’ve yelled at my TV screen plenty of times-but generally, I’m hesitant to call either person a “villain” or “victim.” 

2 Comments
Anonymous
2/10/2014 09:16:09 am

this really jus struk home wit me. i was talkn to this dude for a few months on twitter but i hav 2 twitter accts, 1 personal, the otha for a blog, and i nea showed my face on it. When he asked 4 a pic of me i sent him a pic of me, and he neva realized i was tha same person, until i posted sumthn on the other twitter (which he was apparently followin). So he got mad at me because i "lied" to him by not talkin to him on the other account, even tho i never used somebody else's pics, and blocked me on it. it's crazy bcuz like u said folks never know or wanna know the full story and just make up lies in they head so they can explain your actions, instead of just askin.

i made my blog separate becuz i needed an outlet frm what ppl expect frm me and to just be free, and like u said got kinda popular on it, and i never wud reveal who i was to anyone. he was the first, and now i kno 2 neva do dat again. i had only lied 2 him about my name & where i stay cuz i dnt want strangers (even 1s im interested in) 2 kno where i stay bcuz i kno sum flks r crazy. lol.

thanx 4 this blog tho. i'm glad sumbody understands.

Reply
Marcus
3/4/2014 08:36:50 am

What a great article! I really enjoyed this and love that you wrote about both sides of the story! I was a victim of a cat-fish...except I WAS the cat-fish! The guy who hated the way he looked so much that he showed a guy online a picture of a hot, toned, blond guy instead of his real self...not thinking we would ever be speaking again after that one simple nights chat back in 2006! We feel in love deeply for each other over the space of a year. I never lied about myself or my life...only my looks! When he wanted me to fly over to Minnesota to be with him...I had to tell him the truth! We were both heartbroken and devastated! Being the cat-fish can destroy you just as much as the innocent person BEING cat-fished! We became best friends for the next 6 years but eventually, he moved on to find love and I could never stop falling out of love with him and being hurt that I lost the love of my life over a picture! We ended ways when he got engaged to a guy...he would always be more than a friend to me so I had to end the friendship! I've never been the same since! BOTH sides of the story have pain and deserve to be heard!

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