New section feature where I pose my questions, grievances and thoughts about God.

After passionately pursuing a career in psychological counseling, all of the sudden I didn’t want one anymore. Well, maybe not all of the sudden. It happened gradually over the 3 years I was in graduate school. Anyhow, I haven’t quite figured out what to do next or what employment opportunities to seek. I’ve so far sought out career counseling positions (to make use of my degree without going into traditional therapy) and media opportunities (since I like writing so much, maybe I’ll try my hand at being a journalist). It’s been 4 months and I still haven’t found a job. Either the agency isn’t hiring, hired someone else, or they want someone with qualifications I don’t have. I’m frustrated and stressed to say the least. Meanwhile, my classmates who have stayed the course with counseling have found work. I suppose if I hadn’t lost my desire to be a therapist, I’d have a job. Which brings me to today’s grievance with God.

By the end of my graduate program, my instincts were telling me NOT to counsel. Every fiber of my being was against it. Even my professor and therapist suggested that it might not be a great time for me to be a therapist. I took all of these things as a sign that I needed to go in a different direction. I really feel like God steered me away from counseling for a reason. There’s some point to this drastic change in my life; I just wish I knew what the heck it was. If I’m not supposed to be a counselor right now, what am I supposed to be doing and how do I achieve it? What’s the answer? Trying to discover the answer has been rough and covered in ambiguity and uncertainty. Meanwhile, I’m unemployed. Guess I have to bus tables until something better and befitting of my college education and hard work arrives. Really not fair, God. You shifted me out of something I actually loved, borrowed $80,000 worth of educational loans to support and had a clean-cut, easy path to so I could bus tables? So I could be chronically confused about what to do next? Really? That doesn’t make sense. Maybe my life WOULDN’T be easier if I had become a therapist, and maybe all of this stress will be worth it in the long run, but right now…it is so not the business. 

So, this quarter-life crisis columnist is almost 26, and a lot of people have been asking “How did 25 go? How are you now? Are you still “in crisis”? Well, 25 was as dreadful as I feared it would be, but not for the reasons I anticipated. I got my heart broken for the 1st time, and I’ve spent the last year falling in love, falling apart and trying piece my heart back together (among other personal challenges). Trying to resolve my career indecision amidst personal stressors was definitely difficult (for those of you that are unfamiliar with this section of the blog, I started graduate school in the fall of 2008 to pursue a master’s degree in psychological counseling. For several reasons, I decided that I did not want to do crisis counseling and have been confused about my next career move ever since).
Despite being emotionally and mentally out of gas, I took a little initiative to explore some career options and seek guidance. I started 2 entertainment industry-related internships and stalked the people in the career advisement office on campus. I also met with 2 of my professors and flat-out said “What can I do with this degree that doesn’t involve hardcore counseling?” My small efforts gave me a starting point and I decided that college career counseling would be an ideal pursuit (ironic, right? Who better to be a career counselor than me? Lol). Career counseling wasn’t heavy as crisis counseling and would allow me to work the demographic I preferred.

My post-graduation plans where to relocate to a city with multiple college campuses and a bustling music-industry scene (my other interests involve music business). The city I chose was conveniently the home of one of my internships and several of my close friends. I was still apprehensive about post-graduation life and how it would turn out, but I had just as much
excitement as I did anxiety. My plans started to unravel, however, the closer my graduation date approached. Moving logistics weren’t in my favor. With no pre-ceremony jobs leads and no money, I ended up having to move back in with my parents; hours away from my friends, my internship and what I felt to be a hotbed of employment opportunities. I was incredibly frustrated; yet another well-calculated plan down the toilet because life decided it wasn’t going to happen (that’s what the quarter-life crisis is all about). Bummed and feeling like a total loser for not being able to move out on my own at 25, I threw my hands up. Little Miss Control Freak, who had been gradually losing control since her 1st year of graduate school, gave up trying to analyze, plan and predict. Little Miss Gotta Have a Plan had literally no plan at all, but to move back with her parents. Now completely burned out with a hole in my heart, I told myself I wasn’t going to think. I wasn’t going to worry about anything but I was going to eat for breakfast. I needed the world to stop spinning. I needed to put life on “pause.”

2 months to the day I graduated, I finally received my diploma in the mail. I read it, showed my parents and put it in its billfold. Then I watched Beyonce’s MTV special, “Year of 4” lol. The pop-star reflected on her travels and adventures over the last year, which included riding a toboggan down the Great Wall of China. Because of her very public status and wealth, someone as young as she is having such experiences isn’t abnormal, but I was still in awe at her life. She is only 4 years older than me and has accomplished soooooo much. I began to look back on the last few years of my life, particularly the last 2 months. While on “pause,” I’ve worked on this blog, finished up a film project, started a poetry opus, applied for a career counseling job at a major university and looked into a handful of job leads, but I still feel largely unproductive, stagnant and purposeless. I don’t feel like I’m doing the most with my life or have any direction. What am I going to do when I come off of “pause” and press “play” again? I suppose I’m defeating the purpose of detoxing if I’m still thinking about what’s next.  On one hand, I feel like I need this time to be on “pause.”  Most people don’t have the opportunity to not work, not think or not do anything at all. This time is something I should take advantage of, but I can’t help but feel wasteful. I want to shake my feelings of doubt and uselessness and make the most of the great gift that is time. I just wish I knew what to reflect on. What exactly do I do with the time? What do I think about? There’s that control freak thing happening again…

My recent videoblog.

When others can’t deal with YOUR life-change.

There are plenty of pros to having family and friends that have known you since you were young. The downside, however, is that these are the people least likely to embrace or be understanding of your life change(s). When you experience a life-altering event or go through a period of personal reflection, you are bound to change in some way, mainly in perspective or behavior. Whether the changes are positive or negative, great or small, those who know you well will notice them. Sometimes, seeing these differences will make them uncomfortable, concerned or treat you differently. This response only makes difficult life-changes that much more challenging.

My “quarter-life crisis” began with my career choice concerns, but it has slowly branched out into other areas of my life. I’m not as unsure about the other aspects of my life as I am with my career options, but I’m definitely at a place of re-evaluation and reinvention. As I have processed through this period of personal growth, some of my ideas and behaviors have changed, and those who have known me awhile have made it obvious that they are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this. Some keep reminding me of what I USED to do, say, like & feel in this disappointed and disheartened tone. Some are confused about how I’ve reached this point and why I can’t just “snap out of it.” Others are more encouraging and positive, viewing it all as natural and “a part of growing up and becoming wiser.” I agree with the latter concept. Yes, all of this change is frightening and stressful at times, but I firmly believe these experiences are beneficial to learn from.

I’m glad I have people in my life that will be honest and express their concerns with me if something alarms them, but its BEYOND FRUSTURATING to constantly be compared to who I was when I was in high school or even when I was 20 (I’m 25 now). If you don’t re-evaluate, reform or transform during your lifespan, you’re stubborn and not learning a darn thing. There have been so many moments since I’ve been in grad school where someone has said to me “well, you never do this…” or “you used to be this way” and I wanted yell “well, some things freakin’ change!!! There’s s a first time for everything!! What are you going to do about it?! You either help me deal with this, or get the hell out of my way!” When discussing my career confusion, for example, one person said to me “You’ve never been concerned about your career path. I’m not used to you being this way.” Well, guess what? I’m not either! It’s new for me too! You think it’s uncomfortable for YOU, well, how do you think I feel?! As far as I’m concerned, my support system has the easy part. They just get to listen and maybe give advice. I have to make the hard decisions and live with them.

“I’m not used to you being this way.” I think my friend’s statement explains why others freak out when you experience a life-change. In each personal relationship, we have a specific role that the other person comes to rely on. For instance, in a sibling relationship, the older sibling may be protective of the younger. The moment the older sibling isn’t protective, the younger one may take issue. In application to myself, my support system isn’t used to me being confused or discombobulated about anything. They’re not used to me having to rev-evaluate or reform. I’ve always had everything clearly mapped out and defined. I suppose that some of them have come to rely on my solidarity, particularly when they’re distressed. Now that I don’t seem as stable to them, maybe they’re concerned that they don’t have someone to come to for answers. Perhaps it’s just a fear of the unfamiliar, or a fear that my social dynamic with them will be affected by “altered” role. I’m not sure what the case is, but their assessments are only making my personal process more convoluted and stressful.