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Lessons from Age 18 & 21

4/15/2013

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Then & Now: Alicia Keys
When my friends and I talk about the “quarter-life crisis,” one thing that keeps popping up is undergrad. After some brief reminiscing and recollecting, I usually end up saying “I felt more together at 21 than I do at 27” and my friends nod their head in agreement. I think we feel this way because at 21, we were in the planning and dreaming stages of our lives and now that things aren’t going as planned or imagined in the execution stage, we’re asking ourselves “How did I get here? What did I do wrong?” Sometimes there’s plenty of regret. After asking several people what they would tell their 18 or 21 year old self, it was amazing how similar everyone’s responses were; they seemed to all break down in a few specific areas. This article is for anyone who wants to see if others share their thoughts and feelings, and most of all, for those who are 18 or 21. May what you read here reduce the chances of a nasty quarter-life crisis.

Confidence
The self-esteem and confidence issues that plague you in high school do lessen in early adulthood, but their residue can grow and mutate into another form of ugly that will have you skipping out on opportunities, in unhealthy friendships or romantic relationships, letting fear keep you from things that will help you grow, stifling your identity, able to be easily manipulated and woefully indecisive. Not believing in myself enough has stopped me from pursuing my passions because I don’t believe my dreams are in reach. When I have great opportunities presented to me, I downplay my talents, thinking they’re not up to par. Who knows what advantageous ideas or details I haven’t and don’t think of because I go into things with a defeated attitude. I could be subconsciously causing myself to fail before I even begin. I don’t have any fire-proof anecdotes on how to overcome low confidence, unfortunately. What I can offer, however, is that comparing yourself to other people will make things worse, don’t beat yourself up too long for any disappointments or failures, and congratulate yourself for even the smallest things you do well or are good about you. Everyone is good at and good for something; the cliché` is true.

“…We often block our own blessings because we don’t feel inherently good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or worthy enough. You’re worthy because you are born and because you are here. Your being here, your being alive makes worthiness your birthright. You alone are enough.”-Oprah

Balance
I believe balance is the most essential key to a functioning, thriving life. Everything in moderation; operating in extremes is guaranteed to shoot you in the foot. When interviewing people for this article, many said there was either too much or too little of a particular thing. Don’t be all work and no play or all play and no work. Don’t spend all your time with your mate instead of your friends and vice-versa. Lack of balance has come to be one of the biggest problems in my life; being too optimistic, too cynical, all up in church, not going at all, all about one career, all about another one, too focused on the future, too focused on the present. Keeping myself in one spectrum works for a while, but eventually, it always ends up being a disadvantage.

Awareness/Identity
Time flies and everything happens so fast to the point that you might not indulge in the simple things that great memories are made of or appreciate and respect the things and people that you should. Take time out to do that. Start a gratitude journal, documenting things that you’re grateful for each day or each week. It sounds cheesy, but when I feel like I have nothing and my life seems like it’s in shambles, I find hope in what I write.


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Playing the Age Game with Goals

7/29/2012

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We 20-somethings are haunted and plagued by our age-contingent goals. It messes us up. This whole idea of telling yourself that you have to do or attain a certain thing by a certain age is more harmful than helpful.  There is nothing wrong with setting goals and being proactive about them, but the problem with goal setting around your age is that it often adds undue pressure and issues. Sometimes we take on things or responsibilities that we truly aren’t prepared for. For example, rushing into marriage or getting an apartment or home that you really can’t afford because “you’re supposed to have that done by 25.” Speaking of financial matters, I’ve seen people change academic majors or join career fields that they only half-heartedly care about because the income or benefits will help them reach an age-based aspiration. In the long run, they ended up resenting themselves AND their work and felt trapped with no way out.

Intense anxiety can develop as one approaches a particular age, causing stagnation, depression around birthdays or attempts to relive a previous period, possibly stunting maturity. Uncertainty or fear of failure to reach an age-based goal can easily cause stagnation; sometimes it seems easier to procrastinate or not pursue something than tackle it and fail. I call it “I’ll think about it tomorrow” Scarlett O’Hara syndrome ("Gone with the Wind"). I fell prey to it myself. While I was in a graduate counseling program, I rapidly fell out of love with the idea of being a therapist. Instead of using my time in school wisely and doing everything I could to explore options with my impending degree, I put it in the back of mind. I avoided it. I waited until the month I was graduating to ask questions. I was so afraid and uncertain about what I was going to do next that I froze.

As for birthday depression and reverting to the “good old days,” I had a friend who suddenly went missing-in-action just before her birthday. When she resurfaced weeks later, she revealed that thinking about her birthday saddened her because she didn’t think she was “where she needed to be for her age.” I’ve seen many a friend revert to acting as if they were once again college freshman or high school students, trying to go back to a time where their lives were uncomplicated by age-contingent goals and expectations. Those that didn’t revert carry an emotionally heavy bag of regret; unsatisfied with how things have turned out, wanting to undo decisions and feeling cornered by the choices they’ve made.

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The worst thing about age-contingent ambitions is that if you fail at them, if often breaks confidence, reduces self-esteem and causes insecurity. One friend told me she feels inferior and that others will judge her because of the things she didn’t do at “the right age.” The judgment is a real villain. Another peer of mine constantly hears condescending remarks about being unmarried. I’m harassed not only because of my marital status (I’m currently single), but because I haven’t found “my big girl job” yet. People are forever nagging, questioning or bossing you around about what you haven’t done yet and when you’re going to do it. If one’s self-esteem is shaken, feelings of incompetence and incapability can quickly set in, thus diminishing motivation or belief that other dreams can become a reality.

Age-basing can suck the fun out of life as you spend so much time with pressure, stress, fear, guilt, regret and insecurity. When setting goals, analyze your motives, what pursuing this objective will require and if your ideal timeframe is reasonable. Do you really think achieving this goal will improve your life? At what cost will you seek after your target? Are you making decisions independently or are you making choices to appease someone else? Are you trying to fit into a mold? Are you doing what you think is healthiest for you? Are you emotionally, physically or financially ready? Also, make sure you choose objectives that you can actually influence. For example, it doesn’t make sense to expect to be married by 25. You can’t make love happen and it’s best to not try to make someone marry you (anyone can find a partner or sex-buddy, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be a quality mate). Sure, you can try to date and increase your chances of finding a mate, but that’s it. That’s all you can do. If you fail at achieving something, yes, it will suck. You might feel terrible and useless, but that’s not true. Just re-route and reevaluate. Good luck.

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Its Me Again, God 8-31-11

8/31/2011

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Can I just get a burning bush, please?
New section feature where I pose my questions, grievances and thoughts about God.

After passionately pursuing a career in psychological counseling, all of the sudden I didn’t want one anymore. Well, maybe not all of the sudden. It happened gradually over the 3 years I was in graduate school. Anyhow, I haven’t quite figured out what to do next or what employment opportunities to seek. I’ve so far sought out career counseling positions (to make use of my degree without going into traditional therapy) and media opportunities (since I like writing so much, maybe I’ll try my hand at being a journalist). It’s been 4 months and I still haven’t found a job. Either the agency isn’t hiring, hired someone else, or they want someone with qualifications I don’t have. I’m frustrated and stressed to say the least. Meanwhile, my classmates who have stayed the course with counseling have found work. I suppose if I hadn’t lost my desire to be a therapist, I’d have a job. Which brings me to today’s grievance with God.

By the end of my graduate program, my instincts were telling me NOT to counsel. Every fiber of my being was against it. Even my professor and therapist suggested that it might not be a great time for me to be a therapist. I took all of these things as a sign that I needed to go in a different direction. I really feel like God steered me away from counseling for a reason. There’s some point to this drastic change in my life; I just wish I knew what the heck it was. If I’m not supposed to be a counselor right now, what am I supposed to be doing and how do I achieve it? What’s the answer? Trying to discover the answer has been rough and covered in ambiguity and uncertainty. Meanwhile, I’m unemployed. Guess I have to bus tables until something better and befitting of my college education and hard work arrives. Really not fair, God. You shifted me out of something I actually loved, borrowed $80,000 worth of educational loans to support and had a clean-cut, easy path to so I could bus tables? So I could be chronically confused about what to do next? Really? That doesn’t make sense. Maybe my life WOULDN’T be easier if I had become a therapist, and maybe all of this stress will be worth it in the long run, but right now…it is so not the business. 

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Life on Pause: (Age 25-The Aftermath)

7/10/2011

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So, this quarter-life crisis columnist is almost 26, and a lot of people have been asking “How did 25 go? How are you now? Are you still “in crisis”? Well, 25 was as dreadful as I feared it would be, but not for the reasons I anticipated. I got my heart broken for the 1st time, and I’ve spent the last year falling in love, falling apart and trying piece my heart back together (among other personal challenges). Trying to resolve my career indecision amidst personal stressors was definitely difficult (for those of you that are unfamiliar with this section of the blog, I started graduate school in the fall of 2008 to pursue a master’s degree in psychological counseling. For several reasons, I decided that I did not want to do crisis counseling and have been confused about my next career move ever since).
Despite being emotionally and mentally out of gas, I took a little initiative to explore some career options and seek guidance. I started 2 entertainment industry-related internships and stalked the people in the career advisement office on campus. I also met with 2 of my professors and flat-out said “What can I do with this degree that doesn’t involve hardcore counseling?” My small efforts gave me a starting point and I decided that college career counseling would be an ideal pursuit (ironic, right? Who better to be a career counselor than me? Lol). Career counseling wasn’t heavy as crisis counseling and would allow me to work the demographic I preferred.

My post-graduation plans where to relocate to a city with multiple college campuses and a bustling music-industry scene (my other interests involve music business). The city I chose was conveniently the home of one of my internships and several of my close friends. I was still apprehensive about post-graduation life and how it would turn out, but I had just as much
excitement as I did anxiety. My plans started to unravel, however, the closer my graduation date approached. Moving logistics weren’t in my favor. With no pre-ceremony jobs leads and no money, I ended up having to move back in with my parents; hours away from my friends, my internship and what I felt to be a hotbed of employment opportunities. I was incredibly frustrated; yet another well-calculated plan down the toilet because life decided it wasn’t going to happen (that’s what the quarter-life crisis is all about). Bummed and feeling like a total loser for not being able to move out on my own at 25, I threw my hands up. Little Miss Control Freak, who had been gradually losing control since her 1st year of graduate school, gave up trying to analyze, plan and predict. Little Miss Gotta Have a Plan had literally no plan at all, but to move back with her parents. Now completely burned out with a hole in my heart, I told myself I wasn’t going to think. I wasn’t going to worry about anything but I was going to eat for breakfast. I needed the world to stop spinning. I needed to put life on “pause.”

2 months to the day I graduated, I finally received my diploma in the mail. I read it, showed my parents and put it in its billfold. Then I watched Beyonce’s MTV special, “Year of 4” lol. The pop-star reflected on her travels and adventures over the last year, which included riding a toboggan down the Great Wall of China. Because of her very public status and wealth, someone as young as she is having such experiences isn’t abnormal, but I was still in awe at her life. She is only 4 years older than me and has accomplished soooooo much. I began to look back on the last few years of my life, particularly the last 2 months. While on “pause,” I’ve worked on this blog, finished up a film project, started a poetry opus, applied for a career counseling job at a major university and looked into a handful of job leads, but I still feel largely unproductive, stagnant and purposeless. I don’t feel like I’m doing the most with my life or have any direction. What am I going to do when I come off of “pause” and press “play” again? I suppose I’m defeating the purpose of detoxing if I’m still thinking about what’s next.  On one hand, I feel like I need this time to be on “pause.”  Most people don’t have the opportunity to not work, not think or not do anything at all. This time is something I should take advantage of, but I can’t help but feel wasteful. I want to shake my feelings of doubt and uselessness and make the most of the great gift that is time. I just wish I knew what to reflect on. What exactly do I do with the time? What do I think about? There’s that control freak thing happening again…
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Moving Back In With The Parents

4/3/2011

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My recent videoblog.
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You Ain't Feelin' My Remix?

1/12/2011

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When others can’t deal with YOUR life-change.

There are plenty of pros to having family and friends that have known you since you were young. The downside, however, is that these are the people least likely to embrace or be understanding of your life change(s). When you experience a life-altering event or go through a period of personal reflection, you are bound to change in some way, mainly in perspective or behavior. Whether the changes are positive or negative, great or small, those who know you well will notice them. Sometimes, seeing these differences will make them uncomfortable, concerned or treat you differently. This response only makes difficult life-changes that much more challenging.

My “quarter-life crisis” began with my career choice concerns, but it has slowly branched out into other areas of my life. I’m not as unsure about the other aspects of my life as I am with my career options, but I’m definitely at a place of re-evaluation and reinvention. As I have processed through this period of personal growth, some of my ideas and behaviors have changed, and those who have known me awhile have made it obvious that they are VERY UNCOMFORTABLE with this. Some keep reminding me of what I USED to do, say, like & feel in this disappointed and disheartened tone. Some are confused about how I’ve reached this point and why I can’t just “snap out of it.” Others are more encouraging and positive, viewing it all as natural and “a part of growing up and becoming wiser.” I agree with the latter concept. Yes, all of this change is frightening and stressful at times, but I firmly believe these experiences are beneficial to learn from.

I’m glad I have people in my life that will be honest and express their concerns with me if something alarms them, but its BEYOND FRUSTURATING to constantly be compared to who I was when I was in high school or even when I was 20 (I’m 25 now). If you don’t re-evaluate, reform or transform during your lifespan, you’re stubborn and not learning a darn thing. There have been so many moments since I’ve been in grad school where someone has said to me “well, you never do this…” or “you used to be this way” and I wanted yell “well, some things freakin’ change!!! There’s s a first time for everything!! What are you going to do about it?! You either help me deal with this, or get the hell out of my way!” When discussing my career confusion, for example, one person said to me “You’ve never been concerned about your career path. I’m not used to you being this way.” Well, guess what? I’m not either! It’s new for me too! You think it’s uncomfortable for YOU, well, how do you think I feel?! As far as I’m concerned, my support system has the easy part. They just get to listen and maybe give advice. I have to make the hard decisions and live with them.

“I’m not used to you being this way.” I think my friend’s statement explains why others freak out when you experience a life-change. In each personal relationship, we have a specific role that the other person comes to rely on. For instance, in a sibling relationship, the older sibling may be protective of the younger. The moment the older sibling isn’t protective, the younger one may take issue. In application to myself, my support system isn’t used to me being confused or discombobulated about anything. They’re not used to me having to rev-evaluate or reform. I’ve always had everything clearly mapped out and defined. I suppose that some of them have come to rely on my solidarity, particularly when they’re distressed. Now that I don’t seem as stable to them, maybe they’re concerned that they don’t have someone to come to for answers. Perhaps it’s just a fear of the unfamiliar, or a fear that my social dynamic with them will be affected by “altered” role. I’m not sure what the case is, but their assessments are only making my personal process more convoluted and stressful.
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All of That Planning……

6/3/2010

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Who would have thought that I would fall out of love with psychology. I soooooooooo did not see this coming. I didn’t anticipate this, and I’m REALLY PISSED about it. I’m pissed because I did all that career planning; I had all of the focus, ambition and direction. I considered myself “lucky” because unlike my friends, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life. I managed to find something I was interested in that I felt I had inherent gifts for; something that could also provide a decent income. I didn’t change my major 3 million times. I didn’t hate my classes. I didn’t take me 5 or more years to finish my bachelor’s degree and graduate- I got out in 4. I did all of that just so I wouldn’t be discombobulated (confused) and possibly entering a career that I wouldn’t be happy with; and it’s happening anyway. I’m beyond discombobulated and I’m on the verge of entering a career field I feel I may be unhappy with. WTH? Is there no detour around this awkward, annoying period? I guess not. All that planning….and I ended up in the very place I didn’t want to be in. If I don’t work in psychology, I’m not sure what I’m going to do as a career. I know what my interests are; I’m just not sure how to turn them into lucrative careers.
Being in this space is so difficult for me because I’m a control freak and don’t like uncertainty. I don’t like question marks. I have to know what’s next or have some indicator of what might be next. I plan everything; I’m only mildly spontaneous. I kind of feel like I’m in a dark cave with no flashlight and I have to find my way out.  I’m not used to being confused or not having a plan.
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    Help! I'm having  a "Quarter-Life Crisis"!

    What is a "Quarter-Life Crisis", you ask? Well, I'm around 25 and I'm at that stage in life where my "future" personal and career goals are beginning to come into the present...and it's freaking me out lol. Here, I'm sharing my thoughts and experiences as I go through the process of "becoming a real adult".  

    Note: Occasionally, other individuals will be writing posts and they will be marked as such.    Want to be contributor for this section of the site? Click the "Contact/Info" tab to find out how!

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