New section feature where I pose my questions, grievances and thoughts about God.

After passionately pursuing a career in psychological counseling, all of the sudden I didn’t want one anymore. Well, maybe not all of the sudden. It happened gradually over the 3 years I was in graduate school. Anyhow, I haven’t quite figured out what to do next or what employment opportunities to seek. I’ve so far sought out career counseling positions (to make use of my degree without going into traditional therapy) and media opportunities (since I like writing so much, maybe I’ll try my hand at being a journalist). It’s been 4 months and I still haven’t found a job. Either the agency isn’t hiring, hired someone else, or they want someone with qualifications I don’t have. I’m frustrated and stressed to say the least. Meanwhile, my classmates who have stayed the course with counseling have found work. I suppose if I hadn’t lost my desire to be a therapist, I’d have a job. Which brings me to today’s grievance with God.

By the end of my graduate program, my instincts were telling me NOT to counsel. Every fiber of my being was against it. Even my professor and therapist suggested that it might not be a great time for me to be a therapist. I took all of these things as a sign that I needed to go in a different direction. I really feel like God steered me away from counseling for a reason. There’s some point to this drastic change in my life; I just wish I knew what the heck it was. If I’m not supposed to be a counselor right now, what am I supposed to be doing and how do I achieve it? What’s the answer? Trying to discover the answer has been rough and covered in ambiguity and uncertainty. Meanwhile, I’m unemployed. Guess I have to bus tables until something better and befitting of my college education and hard work arrives. Really not fair, God. You shifted me out of something I actually loved, borrowed $80,000 worth of educational loans to support and had a clean-cut, easy path to so I could bus tables? So I could be chronically confused about what to do next? Really? That doesn’t make sense. Maybe my life WOULDN’T be easier if I had become a therapist, and maybe all of this stress will be worth it in the long run, but right now…it is so not the business. 

So, this quarter-life crisis columnist is almost 26, and a lot of people have been asking “How did 25 go? How are you now? Are you still “in crisis”? Well, 25 was as dreadful as I feared it would be, but not for the reasons I anticipated. I got my heart broken for the 1st time, and I’ve spent the last year falling in love, falling apart and trying piece my heart back together (among other personal challenges). Trying to resolve my career indecision amidst personal stressors was definitely difficult (for those of you that are unfamiliar with this section of the blog, I started graduate school in the fall of 2008 to pursue a master’s degree in psychological counseling. For several reasons, I decided that I did not want to do crisis counseling and have been confused about my next career move ever since).
Despite being emotionally and mentally out of gas, I took a little initiative to explore some career options and seek guidance. I started 2 entertainment industry-related internships and stalked the people in the career advisement office on campus. I also met with 2 of my professors and flat-out said “What can I do with this degree that doesn’t involve hardcore counseling?” My small efforts gave me a starting point and I decided that college career counseling would be an ideal pursuit (ironic, right? Who better to be a career counselor than me? Lol). Career counseling wasn’t heavy as crisis counseling and would allow me to work the demographic I preferred.

My post-graduation plans where to relocate to a city with multiple college campuses and a bustling music-industry scene (my other interests involve music business). The city I chose was conveniently the home of one of my internships and several of my close friends. I was still apprehensive about post-graduation life and how it would turn out, but I had just as much
excitement as I did anxiety. My plans started to unravel, however, the closer my graduation date approached. Moving logistics weren’t in my favor. With no pre-ceremony jobs leads and no money, I ended up having to move back in with my parents; hours away from my friends, my internship and what I felt to be a hotbed of employment opportunities. I was incredibly frustrated; yet another well-calculated plan down the toilet because life decided it wasn’t going to happen (that’s what the quarter-life crisis is all about). Bummed and feeling like a total loser for not being able to move out on my own at 25, I threw my hands up. Little Miss Control Freak, who had been gradually losing control since her 1st year of graduate school, gave up trying to analyze, plan and predict. Little Miss Gotta Have a Plan had literally no plan at all, but to move back with her parents. Now completely burned out with a hole in my heart, I told myself I wasn’t going to think. I wasn’t going to worry about anything but I was going to eat for breakfast. I needed the world to stop spinning. I needed to put life on “pause.”

2 months to the day I graduated, I finally received my diploma in the mail. I read it, showed my parents and put it in its billfold. Then I watched Beyonce’s MTV special, “Year of 4” lol. The pop-star reflected on her travels and adventures over the last year, which included riding a toboggan down the Great Wall of China. Because of her very public status and wealth, someone as young as she is having such experiences isn’t abnormal, but I was still in awe at her life. She is only 4 years older than me and has accomplished soooooo much. I began to look back on the last few years of my life, particularly the last 2 months. While on “pause,” I’ve worked on this blog, finished up a film project, started a poetry opus, applied for a career counseling job at a major university and looked into a handful of job leads, but I still feel largely unproductive, stagnant and purposeless. I don’t feel like I’m doing the most with my life or have any direction. What am I going to do when I come off of “pause” and press “play” again? I suppose I’m defeating the purpose of detoxing if I’m still thinking about what’s next.  On one hand, I feel like I need this time to be on “pause.”  Most people don’t have the opportunity to not work, not think or not do anything at all. This time is something I should take advantage of, but I can’t help but feel wasteful. I want to shake my feelings of doubt and uselessness and make the most of the great gift that is time. I just wish I knew what to reflect on. What exactly do I do with the time? What do I think about? There’s that control freak thing happening again…

Being a therapist is not a job you can qualify for or do well just by following rules or instructions. It requires a lot of inherent gifts and skills, too. For example, if you HATE people and you much rather be by yourself, therapy may not be the most ideal field for you. Me realizing this important fact, I’ve started to reflect and ask myself if I have what it takes on the INSIDE to do this job. Several of my friends, family and colleagues think I have multiple natural gifts and skills that will help me be a great therapist. I think I have a handful myself; however, there are other aspects of my personality that I think will clash with therapy and possibly prevent me from being successful in the field. 


I’ve mentioned before on this page how I’m a control freak and how I have a “superman” complex. I see how these two things affect my behavior and life on a regular basis. I CANNOT STAND to feel powerless…I run away from or get agitated with situations that I cannot control or predict the outcome. Does therapy seem like a field I should be in where I have that problem? That, and I’m crazy sensitive about human suffering these days.  The analyzation of how and why it exists has put me in existential (and spiritual) uneasiness. I’ve been having very emotional reactions to human suffering and strife. For example, I started an internship at a vocational rehabilitation center and on the FIRST day, I almost cried. Vocational rehabs typically serve individuals with disabilities and mental/emotional disorders. Depending on the degree of the disability, some may not be able to ever achieve the career goals they desire. As my internship coordinator explained to me how some of the employees have to be the ones to relay this information, my heart sank. I instantaneously felt sad. It made me never want to procrastinate or hesitate with a goal again. I can make whatever career goals I want and actively seek them, but some of them can’t. I was sitting there thinking about how unfair that was, and I began to wonder if any of the clients felt resentment; especially those who suddenly became disabled due to an injury. Fortunately enough, I didn’t cry in front of the coordinator, but I wanted to.
Another example: I was watching “The Bounty Hunter,” and there was this guy they were trying apprehend for a probation violation. When they captured the man, they met his girlfriend and two young children. As they looked at his prior arrests and charges, they discovered that he had been physically abusive to his girlfriend multiple times. When they spoke to the girlfriend about this, she said she had a difficult time leaving him because they were high-school sweethearts and he was “the only thing she knew.” She continually asked if there was some way her boyfriend could get “help.”  In addition, she said she was worried about him being arrested for the probation violation because he was the only source of income for the family. Hours after I saw his episode, I was thinking about that girl and wondering what was going to become of her and children’s future. What was going to become of the boyfriend? It just stuck with me. I thought “if I can’t get someone on T.V. off of my mind, what happens when I get a client like that? I’m going to take this stuff home with me.” I’m way too sensitive right now to go into counseling. I’m too reactive. Maybe my skin will be tougher later on in life, but it isn’t at the moment. So does anyone have any “advice to give…on how to be…insensitive” like the Jann Arden song says?