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The Person You Become When You Die-The Aftermath

5/31/2010

7 Comments

 
In my post “The Person You Become When You Die”, which I wrote in November 2009 (check it out), I talked about my issues with grief, particularly with the deaths of singers Aaliyah and Michael Jackson. With Aaliyah, I was briefly consumed with grieving her and eventually avoided anything that reminded me of her. With Michael, I almost let the pain of the loss overshadow and transform the positive memories I had of him. Fast forward 7 months later, I’m in a different, better place. I’ve gotten to a point where I can be reminded of Aaliyah or Michael, and not fall into sadness thinking about their death. I focused on what their siblings, Rashad and Janet, had to say:

“…she is with me; if I allow her to be. I can smile again if I let the memory of her presence on this earth exist as a gift, and not a loss.”- Rashad Haughton, 2001

“You don’t have to hold on to the pain to hold on to the memory.”-Janet Jackson

It took me awhile to really understand and apply their concepts. After years of avoiding any Aaliyah material, I started watching old Aaliyah interviews on YouTube. I couldn’t help but laugh and smile at a lot of it; it reminded me of why I liked her so much. I was thinking “Man, she was hilarious and cool as heck. I remember seeing this and wanting to hang out with her.” With watching anything Michael- related, all of it took me back to a specific childhood memory. I was that 7-year-old kid again who didn’t have a care in the world. It all made feel so warm and happy inside. I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s true. It dawned on me at that point, that because of both of them, I had all these happy memories to go back to that you can’t buy, take away or replace. There’s this safe place in my mind and heart that I can escape to whenever I just want to smile. Yes, I had them and lost them, but if I had to choose between having/losing them vs. never having them at all, I choose having/losing. I feel so grateful to have been a part of the generation that was there when their music was made. As Rashad noted, having them present was such a wonderful gift, and to remember that gift now as only a symbol of loss wouldn’t do them justice. It takes time to get to this point, I think. At the beginning, it’s indescribably hard to NOT focus on the loss. Some people don’t get passed focusing on the loss. But part of the reason why the loss hurts like it does is because of the beautiful things that person gave you. You miss having that. The loss itself will never stop being painful or sad, but you can choose what to focus on. It takes a lot of emotional energy and work, but you CAN choose. I hope this helps someone out there.

 


 
7 Comments
Crystal link
6/14/2010 05:35:54 am

The people you care about the most you'll never really be without. Even when they're gone, you'll remember the things they showed you about life and the way things ought to be.

Reply
darrell
6/14/2010 07:57:40 am

i have delt with death a great deal u have given me some in sight,as i was reading your blog i found myself remembering my lovlove ones i lost,i didnt concentrate on tthe death but the life and i smiled,thank u jazzy fa

Reply
Erica Sims
6/15/2010 04:32:22 am

even though it's hard sometimes, i can now think of my great-grandmother and smile...THAT's my go-to. it's only when i go visit her grave or the anniversary of the day she passed that i get really sad...so i guess it's good that the pain sweeps over me only a few times a year. now i just smile & continue to live and pray that she & my great-aunt irene are proud of me. :-)

Reply
j.says
6/15/2010 06:54:41 pm

@Darrell: I'm glad it was helpful to you. I hope it's just as helpful to others too. It definitely took me some time to get to this point.

Reply
Can't believe we are almost at the anniversary of his death. Sometimes I still think of his death with sadness, but like others, I try to concentrate on his music and what an awesome effect it had on the world. There will never be another like him. L
6/15/2010 11:41:18 pm

Reply
Heather
8/11/2010 03:28:31 am

Funny enough, my counselor and I talked about this a bit in reference to my mom. She said to me one day in session "I think that you're forgetting that your mom isn't just someone who died. She is someone who lived. Instead of simply mourning her passing, have you considered celebrating her living?"

Reply
Jasmie link
8/25/2010 08:22:06 am

WOW, no words can describe how much this touched me. Being an Aaliyah fan I am so compelled at how much love was put into this. Thanks for sharing this with me.

I lovee it.

Reply



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