Dear Potential Employee,

I’m your potential employer and as your potential employer I’m going to remind you of why you wanted to quit school and start a traveling band in the 1st place, as I behaviorally will be a culmination of the butthole that bullied you in the middle school, the anal-retentive jerk professor you had in college, the guy that stole your girlfriend last week and your overly bossy parents.

I will make you kiss my tail and chase me down with repeated calls, emails and meetings and act like I can’t be bothered with you even though I’M THE ONE who needs assistance and employees. Basically, I’m going to act like I don’t want you. If you seem confident, I’ll take you down a notch because I will view it as egotistical. If you’re humble, I’ll turn my nose up and view you as weak. Even though your resume is impressive, I WILL unfairly judge you by your appearance. If you’re too attractive as a female, I’ll either hire you because I want eye-candy in the office or not hire you because I will assume you’re a slut. If you have the slightest hint of a tattoo or a piercing, you can forget it. Even though you need money to have ultra-fine clothing, I will deny you income if you show up in just the decent clothing you can afford.

Speaking of resumes, even though I required it and you just handed it to me, I’m still going to expect you to fill out the same exact information on our standard application. It’s especially important that we have the same information in two places as we will completely negate it if an applicant with connections and less impressive credentials comes in. If you’re too educated, we’ll tell you you’re overqualified. If you have one degree too little, you’re under-qualified. We’ll also tell you that you don’t have enough experience; although, if no one ever hires you, you’ll never gain such experience. If you manage to book an interview, our questions will be irrelevant and unreasonably difficult to answer (ex. If you could be a tree, what type would you be and why?). If not that, we’ll ask “moral measurement” questions (ex. have you ever stolen from your employer or have you ever gotten upset with your employer?). Moral measurement questions are my favorite to ask, because I like to watch people squirm while trying to decide whether they should give me a socially-acceptable Ms. America answer or be honest. I love my job. Maybe one day you’ll have a job like me. Thank you for your interest in joining our staff.

Sincerely,
Your Potential Employer

I’ve been thinking…why can’t honed hobbies count as work experience? If one indulges in photography as a hobby and they have proof that they’re rather skilled at it (such as a photo album), why can’t they put it on a resume` and apply for a photographer position at Olan Mills? I know that might sound funny, but seriously, why not? I’m still hunting in the jungle for a job…if I’m not considered “overqualified” (because of my master’s degree in psych), I’m under-qualified (not enough hands-on experience or a more specific degree, license, etc.). I’ve been applying for an array of positions in different fields: human service, non-profit organizations, media…even event planning. I haven’t applied for anything I don’t have some prior experience in; I guess I just don’t have enough-particularly in journalism-despite running the ENTIRE entertainment section for my college newspaper. I feel like I should be able to put running this blog as experience on my resume`. Afterall, it is semi-journalistic and is a testament to my writing ability. Also, I’ve learned so much about networking, marketing/promotion, web design, social media and public relations while operating this site, among other things. I know a lot of talented, creative and intelligent people whose gifts really shine through their hobbies. Am I being unreasonable here or what? Lol

Brief rant.

I hate job hunting because...
1. Not only is it time consuming, but it’s time consuming with very little fruit from the labor. Many people apply for 1,000 positions and will only hear back from (maybe) 12 companies.

2. It’s amazing the amount of chasing you have to do-constantly emailing and leaving voicemails for the same people and making stops at the same locations. Aren’t the companies the ones that NEED employees? The way you have to chase down some execs, it’s almost like they aren’t hiring at all and you have to convince THEM to open a position.

3. It makes me feel incompetent. When you spend so much time chasing execs, proving yourself, being evaluated and sometimes kissing butt, you may start to feel unwanted, unqualified or just plain not good enough. There is a lot of rejection and comparison to others involved with job hunting. It’s been hard for me to keep what’s typically apart of the job seeking process from negatively affecting my confidence.

Rant finished.