Film, 2007.
When you’re growing up, you look forward to the day where your parents view and respect you as an adult and you can have an open dialogue where your opinions (or feelings) are not negated. I’m past 25 now, and that day has yet to arrive. I’m able to have conversations with my mother, but dare I challenge or disagree with her opinions or express exactly how I feel about her behavior or statements, I’m met with anger and accused of being disrespectful; no matter how polite I am. My mother suffers from what I call “parental egotism;” where parents hold the attitude that their children are completely and forever subordinate to them and therefore cannot speak against anything they purport.
If the situation arises where I’m upset with my mother, I’m told “I don’t have a right to be mad” at her. In other cases, she’s acts as if she’s above criticism. There’s a rationalization for everything she does and she’s always right, because “she’s the mother.” If I insist or continue to suggest that she’s perhaps wrong, she becomes defensive and sometimes attacking or belittling. For example, the topic of baby showers for teen mothers somehow came up. My mother explained that she was against the concept because when she was younger, giving a teen expectant parent a shower was viewed as condoning their sexual activity. When I argued that people should approach it as providing for a child who will be in need, versus support of teenage sex, she said “Oh, you’re just one of those people; any and everything goes with your generation.” When I asked her to explain what she meant by ‘one of those people,’ she wouldn’t elaborate, but she clearly meant it within a negative context. Not only did she make a negative generalization of my generation, she inferred there’s something wrong with my character because I had a different opinion than hers. As the conversation continued, the egotism rose as she reminded be that she’s been alive longer than I have, knows what she’s talking about and that I “don’t understand.” The “don’t understand” phrase is particularly agitating. To understand means to comprehend. I comprehend what she’s saying, I just don’t agree; its two different things.
If the situation arises where I’m upset with my mother, I’m told “I don’t have a right to be mad” at her. In other cases, she’s acts as if she’s above criticism. There’s a rationalization for everything she does and she’s always right, because “she’s the mother.” If I insist or continue to suggest that she’s perhaps wrong, she becomes defensive and sometimes attacking or belittling. For example, the topic of baby showers for teen mothers somehow came up. My mother explained that she was against the concept because when she was younger, giving a teen expectant parent a shower was viewed as condoning their sexual activity. When I argued that people should approach it as providing for a child who will be in need, versus support of teenage sex, she said “Oh, you’re just one of those people; any and everything goes with your generation.” When I asked her to explain what she meant by ‘one of those people,’ she wouldn’t elaborate, but she clearly meant it within a negative context. Not only did she make a negative generalization of my generation, she inferred there’s something wrong with my character because I had a different opinion than hers. As the conversation continued, the egotism rose as she reminded be that she’s been alive longer than I have, knows what she’s talking about and that I “don’t understand.” The “don’t understand” phrase is particularly agitating. To understand means to comprehend. I comprehend what she’s saying, I just don’t agree; its two different things.
The constant reminders of how old she is (“I’ve been around longer than you”) is equally agitating. I realize that I’m young and I far from know everything; I don’t propose that I do (my parents got lucky, because I never felt or acted that way as a teen either). However, I find it arrogant to assume that there’s no more room to learn because she’s reached her 50’s and the life-wisdom she’s acquired makes it impossible for her to be flawed or incorrect. Not to mention it’s invalidating to imply that my opinion has no value because I’m young. I’ve lost count of the times where she initiated a discussion with me, only to respond to my statements with “you’re just young” or “I’m right; I’m older.” Why start a conversation with me if my opinion is worthless to you from the beginning? I may behave the same way she does when I’m older, but for now I plan to start my statements with “In my experience” or “what I’ve learned in my years on this earth is…”
Parental egotism really rears its ugly head when the adult child tries to set boundaries or wants to discuss their childhood. Some parents find it appalling to see any assertiveness come from their offspring or hear the words “no” or “stop,” abusing the honorary title of ‘parent’ to take advantage of their children, guilt or manipulate them into submission. A friend of mine said he feels like his parents take advantage of his bountiful income, constantly expecting to borrow money after mismanaging their own funds. “If I only give them a certain amount, none at all, or tell them how frustrated I am, they find it insulting. They say I should willingly give them money no matter what because they gave me money in school. I sometimes can’t purchase the things I want or invest my money the way I wish because of how much I give them.”
Parental egotism really rears its ugly head when the adult child tries to set boundaries or wants to discuss their childhood. Some parents find it appalling to see any assertiveness come from their offspring or hear the words “no” or “stop,” abusing the honorary title of ‘parent’ to take advantage of their children, guilt or manipulate them into submission. A friend of mine said he feels like his parents take advantage of his bountiful income, constantly expecting to borrow money after mismanaging their own funds. “If I only give them a certain amount, none at all, or tell them how frustrated I am, they find it insulting. They say I should willingly give them money no matter what because they gave me money in school. I sometimes can’t purchase the things I want or invest my money the way I wish because of how much I give them.”
Many parent's mantra.
Addressing the past or how you were raised can definitely be uncomfortable; A few parents deal with this discomfort with avoidance, denial or defensiveness. For those who have the discussion, some may inadvertently nullify their adult child’s feelings (especially if there are differing perceptions of the same event) or internalize their kids’ comments to the point of having deep guilt. If the conversation becomes a heated debate, the blame game can begin or going in circles about whether or not someone should feel a certain way. “When I talk to my mother about the things that upset me during my childhood, she always takes it as me trying to say she’s a bad parent. If it isn’t for worrying I’ll hurt her feelings, I have to deal with her telling me I perceived something wrong or telling me how to feel, instead of just accepting my feelings and hearing me out,” another friend said of her parental interactions. When dealing with disputing family members, talk-show host and former therapist Phil McGraw (“Dr. Phil”) frequently says “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” In familial disputes, I think some people get so focused on ‘winning’ the argument or trying to get someone to change their feelings or opinions, that they lose sight of the end goal, which is peace and understanding.
While some parents are chronic sufferers of parental egotism, others only exhibit it occasionally. Fortunately with my mother, it’s occasionally. There have been moments where my anger has risen to the point of disrespect; I typically apologize. Maybe when I have my own children, my mother will fully level with me. Until then, I’ll respectfully assert myself and hope I won’t need my boxing gloves.
While some parents are chronic sufferers of parental egotism, others only exhibit it occasionally. Fortunately with my mother, it’s occasionally. There have been moments where my anger has risen to the point of disrespect; I typically apologize. Maybe when I have my own children, my mother will fully level with me. Until then, I’ll respectfully assert myself and hope I won’t need my boxing gloves.
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