Okay, the average woman has at least one complaint about the male species. Like any other woman, I have my share of complaints, but if men do nothing else right, its keep their resources. For some reason, some women think that they have to sell their souls to the devil in order to fully devote themselves in a relationship and they’ll willingly eliminate or alienate friends or family, drop or change a career goal or put themselves in a compromising (or unfair) position. For the most part, it seems that no matter how much in love a man is (he could be head over heels), he’s not willing to do all of that. He’s not going to sacrifice his support system (i.e. friends or family), his income (a career path or job) or anything else he finds vital to his well-being or happiness. Him being in love has nothing to do with the other stuff; its separate. To try to illustrate my point, I’ll reference the film “Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman.”

Granted, it’s a movie, but sometimes art really does imitate life. In the film, the leading female character, Helen, is married to a successful lawyer who divorces her for a woman he’s had an affair and 2 children with. Where my example comes in is that the Helen never pursued her own career goals, signed a pre-nuptial agreement that entitled her to nothing in the event of divorce, and put her mother in a nursing home because her husband said having her mother in their home didn’t fit his “American dream.” When her husband literally picked her up and put her on the front porch and told her to get gone, she had no money and nowhere to stay. She didn’t have any friends to bunk with because all of her friends were his friends. She didn’t have any family to immediately call because she had been selectively alienated from them to be immersed in her marriage. In “Waiting to Exhale,” Angela Basset’s character pushed her personal goals aside to work for her husband’s self-built law-firm. When he divorced her for another woman, she was out of a job AND a husband, and had to start from scratch. These may seem like extreme examples, but it happens.

I’m sure that there are men out there who have made some similar sacrifices while in a relationship, but it SEEMS that it rarely happens. It SEEMS that most men aren’t going to put their mama’s in nursing homes or put themselves in a situation where they have nothing to fall back on because they’re in love. Most men stay on their stuff; they're gonna 'be how they be', and do what they do regardless of how negative or positive it is. You can be a devoted partner without sacrificing your dreams, your resources or your support system.

Writing about these brings me to another point. You can be a devoted partner without losing your sense of self too. I’ve seen chicks so wrapped up and so immersed in their relationships that their entire identity is being __________’s girlfriend. Everything they do and think about has to do with their boyfriend. I knew one chick that went to the same workplace, school and church with her boyfriend AND lived in the same apartment complex.  You might ask “well what’s wrong with this if you’re crazy in love?” The problem with this is that heaven forbid you split up, you won’t know who the heck you are anymore. Its like “what do I do now?” If you’re whole identity is being __________’s girlfriend or wife, what happens when you’re not their girlfriend or wife anymore? Even if you never split up, there’s going to be a time where you need the space and time to “cool off”, reflect or be in tune with yourself for a little bit. It’s ok to have your OWN friends, your OWN hobbies, your OWN accomplishments, your OWN environment; your OWN identity. You have so many roles: you’re mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins, friends, colleagues, students, your beliefs, your ideas, etc. You’re all these things IN ADDITION to being a wife or girlfriend. You are a multidimensional entity. Treat yourself that way.

When it comes to personal relationships (romantic relationships, friendships, family, etc.), I believe in egalitarianism; meaning being equal. When I express these views (within the context of marriage) in front of Christian women, it often starts a debate. Some feel that I seek to be “too equal” and I’m not “submissive” enough, which is displeasing to God. If you’re unfamiliar with these concepts, many have been taught that the bible instructs men to rule over their wives and make all the major decisions for the household singly. In some cases, this belief has lead to several wives being in marriages where they have no input in household decisions and have most of their needs and desires ignored. In more extreme cases, the belief has been used to justify mental, verbal and/or physical spousal abuse.
I disagree with the belief all together. I feel that the bible encourages egalitarian relationships.

Being Submissive.
Here are the two main verses that people harp on: Ephesians 5:22 and Col 3:18.
Eph 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the lord.” KJV
Col 3:18 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the lord.”

Now, based ONLY on these 2 verses, people have argued that marriage is supposed to be a dominate-subordinate relationship, because if you’re supposed to submit yourself to your husband as you do to the Lord, then that means your husband is the boss of you. That’s based ONLY on those two verses. The passages surrounding Eph 5:22/Col 3:18 indicate that husbands are supposed to sacrifice themselves for their wives as well. The bible emphasizes MUTUAL submission in all types of relationships, including marriage.
Eph 5: 21-22 “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of Christ. Wives, submit to yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the lord.”
Eph 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
Eph 5:28-29 “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife, loveth himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh; but NOURISHES AND CHERISHES IT, even as the lord does the church.”
Col 3:18-19 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the lord. Husbands, love your wives and do NOT BE HARSH with them.” NIV
Col 3:20-21 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.” KJV
Col 3:22-23 “Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Masters, provide your slaves with what is RIGHT AND FAIR, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven.” NIV
(The companion verses in Ephesians are 6:1, 6:4-5, 6:9)

These passages discuss how things should be between spouses, parents/children and masters/slaves. If you notice, both sides of each relationship have responsibilities and are expected to submit in some way. In addition, there are a few things to point out: #1 Men are asked to love and sacrifice for their wives as Christ does for the church. Consider what that means: Christ offers humanity unconditional love, acceptance and nurturing. Christ endured torture, pain and anguish and DIED for the church. Men are not only supposed to sacrifice themselves for their wives, but sacrifice MORE. Men are not only supposed to love their wives, but almost provide MORE love. I’m not saying wives should be lazy or nonchalant about how much they love or sacrifice. What I’m trying to show is that God is not in support of relationships where wives are being treated as less-than subordinates or servants. Like I said, people have used Eph 5:22/Col 3:18 to justify spouse subordination. There’s no way that slaves deserve what is “right and fair” (Col 3:22), and wives do not. #2 Notice that the word “obey” is used in relation to masters/slaves and parents/children, but NOT with husbands/wives. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

1Pet 3:7  “Husbands, in the same way be CONSIDERATE as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will HINDER your prayers.”
There’s a couple of things to point out with this verse as well. #1 It’s so pertinent that you treat your wife fairly, that your prayers will be HINDRED if you do not do so. #2 The verse says that wives are HEIRS with their husbands. Heirs WITH you, not behind you or underneath you; NEXT to you. #3 It says be CONSIDERATE of your wives. Being “considerate”, and as the Colossians passages indicate, being “nourishing and cherishing” does NOT involve being a monarchial ruler, a slave-driver or a boss.

I’ve seen so many Christian martial relationships in which the wife’s feelings or thoughts are disregarded or unacknowledged. I’ve seen husbands do and say things to their wives that they would never tolerate from someone else. They are not treating their wives as they would “treat their own bodies.”
The bible has been used to oppress wives, and it’s time for it to stop. Wives, know that it’s ok to stand up for yourselves and not tolerate maltreatment. God wants you to have a spouse that is going to honor and respect you and treat you as an equal partner.