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Why Youth Fail at Sexual Abstinence

8/24/2012

3 Comments

 
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Or at least some of the reasons, anyway.

Pop-star Jordin Sparks (American Idol 6, “Sparkle”) made it public that she was taking a vow of chastity and waiting until marriage to have sex, but in an interview earlier this year, the singer seemed to have a change of heart, saying:  "I don't wear it [purity ring] exactly everyday anymore, but I always have something there. When I was 13, my mom spoke to me about purity and waiting for marriage…at the time I was like, 'Sure that's great,' but I can't say what's gonna happen a couple of months from now. People grow." It looks like Sparks may be joining the club of starlets (ex. Britney Spears) who took a pledge of abstinence in youth and later made a different choice. There are a number of different reasons why abstinence pledges are reneged on, but 2 factors are age and motivation for the pledge.

Across the country, religious (many faiths discourage pre-marital sex; it’s viewed as a sin) and some school-based organizations have abstinence programs in which pre-teens and teenagers take formal oaths to remain chaste until marriage and/or don a symbolic ‘purity ring.’ It’s my personal theory that teenagers, especially in this day and age, are too young and immature to take such a vow. 1st, teenagers, individuals who are completely supported by others and viewed as children by the law, should not be having sex either way, but that’s a different conversation. 2nd, you set a young person up for failure when you ask them to make a decision that’s going to affect their adult life. At 13, 14 or 15, you’re being asked to make a decision that will affect you when you’re 23, 24 or 25? That’s unreasonable.  That’s partially why so many college students have difficulty choosing or sticking with an academic major. At 18, you’re making a career decision for the REST OF YOUR LIFE? Considering that most high school students don’t have any in-depth preliminary help discovering what career fields might be of interest to them and what’s required to successfully attain employment, making that choice at 18 seems particularly ridiculous.  There’s nothing wrong with explaining the benefits of abstinence to young people or promoting the concept, but encouraging them to make a public declaration that they may be shamed internally or externally for breaking later may be the wrong approach.

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One’s motive for chastity is a strong predictor of whether or not that person succeeds in keeping their pants on. Growing up in a fairly conservative Christian environment, I noticed the people who had additional reasons besides religion for waiting until marriage to have sex were the most successful in abstaining. In anything, most people need a strong interest or personal motivation to succeed. Motives affect effort and focus. Not doing something simply because an authority (in this case, God) told you not to is simply not good enough, principally when it doesn’t appear that there’s immediate consequences for disobeying the authority. For me, I don’t like the idea of multiple people being able to say they’ve had sex with me and they know what it looks like, smells like and tastes like. You can’t get any more intimate with a person than sex; I’m sharing and revealing a very personal side of myself. It isn’t just a way to a great orgasm; it’s a spiritual bonding act. Therefore, I’m keeping my cookies in the cookie jar until I get married. If you’re not good enough to marry, you’re not good enough to have my body. God could send me a burning bush (a reference from the story of Moses in the old testament of the bible) saying I could have pre-marital sex tomorrow and I would still wait. That’s just me.

While I’m on the subject of youth, Christianity and chastity, in some communities of faith, teens are almost taught to not even think about or discuss sex until marriage. You can’t effectively curb or control your sexual desires if you don’t understand what your triggers and weaknesses are. If one is sexually suppressed, they’ll likely struggle to handle being confronted with sex or a tempting situation. There are healthy, productive and safe ways to explore, discuss and learn about your sexual energy WITHOUT having sex. Youth ministers need to create an atmosphere for honest and open dialogue if they expect their horny teen parishioners to keep their “V-cards.”

As for Jordin Sparks…it’s always disappointing when a public figure decides (or in this case, contemplates) to renounce a chastity vow because I feel it feeds the notion and stereotype that abstinence promises are ones to be broken or are impossible to keep. When she mentioned her initial reaction to chastity at 13 and compared it to now with “people grow,” it implied that abstinence is like Trix cereal: it’s for kids and when you mature and “grow,” you don’t do it. This is going to sound harsh, but let’s be real- unless you have a new set of religious views or found your reasons for choosing abstinence shallow, deciding to have sex in your 20’s after being ‘pro-purity’ for 10 years (so pro-purity she brought attention to herself by saying on national television at the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards: “It's not bad to wear a promise ring…because not everybody –guy or girl– wants to be a slut.") is not the result of “growth” or a philosophical epiphany, it’s because you want to have sex. Assuming Sparks’ new “revelation” comes as she’s been dating singer Jason Derulo since late last year, I shake my head at the thought that all it took was for her to be sprung on a guy to dump a long-held belief.

3 Comments
Juan
8/24/2012 02:24:03 pm

Abstinence is an archaic idea that goes against the very nature of being human, that's why it fails. Well the most basic reason. You can try to instill the idea of sexual "purity" into someone that has a raging boner every morning or a leaky cooter everytime they put their pants on is like telling a duck not to quack, and then telling that duck that quacking is shameful and disgusting. Peer pressure doesn't help either, being criticized for not having sex is just as bad if not worse than the criticisim directed towards the sluts; I'll even go as far to say sluts are praised (e.g. Kim Kardasian).

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Juan
8/24/2012 02:25:19 pm

AAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDDD. Jordin Sparks can get it BTW... Just thought I would put that out there...

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Crystal D.
8/25/2012 03:22:20 am

I love society's new ideas about "nature" and how teenagers can't be expected to control themselves, lol. I think the ability to make decisions about what is best for us in spite of impulses is a big part of growing up. If teenagers are expected to control impulses to drive too fast, or punch someone in the face for making them mad, why not expect sexual responsibility as well?

I like what you said about having multiple reasons for your choice being the most effective. I had religious reasons, but I also knew what I wanted for my life. I knew I wanted to finish high school, go to college, and give my husband the best present I could give him on our wedding night. I never made an "official" vow of purity or wore a purity ring or anything. If it's a part of your core values, it's not something you really need a reminder for.

Plenty of people go back on their decision to wait for marriage because they think they found the ONE. What a bummer when those relationships fail. In fact, they usually do. A dating relationship shouldn't involve sacrificing your morals or life goals for another person.

I think one of the greatest disservices adults do to the younger generation is to be at one extreme or another on this issue. Either parents are buying their kids condoms, or they are acting like sex and temptation don't exist. I hope with my children I can find a reasonable middle ground. Too few teens have a close enough relationship with their parents to have these deep conversations with them. I want to be able to explain why I think abstinence is best and give them the knowledge they need to stay out of bad dating situations. Parents and churches spend a lot of time talking about how teens should keep their virginity, but not about how to do that.

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