I noticed that most of the women I know are either uncomfortable with the concept of masturbation, don’t do it, have never done it, or don’t find it satisfactory. Some also have expressed difficulty defining or articulating what they would prefer during a sexual encounter. I think this is the result of unwritten gender-biased societal “rules” about sexuality. We live in a society where it’s okay for women to be sexually exploited, but not sexually empowered. As women, we are taught that sex is only for men to enjoy and we should always be the happy executors of it. This belief is part of the reason why marital rape is responded to cavalierly and why most women’s magazines regularly have articles on how to please your man, while men’s magazines rarely have reciprocating content. Additionally, we’re taught men are the sole source of our sexual pleasure, if any, and to seek out any other channels is maladaptive. It’s considered so maladaptive, severe resentment can sometimes rear its ugly head. Lesbians, who definitely don’t look to men for sexual appeasement, are often the victims of this resentment. Sexual abuse research indicates that a number anti-gay hate crimes involve sexual assault and lesbians are sexually victimized at higher rate than gay men. Internationally, lesbian “corrective rape” is currently sweeping Africa. On a less extreme note, some men find it angering and/or insulting that some women prefer masturbation or using sexual toys (either solo or during sexual contact) over intercourse (4 out of 10 women who masturbate prefer the act over sex).
Women's mags are full of 'please your man'; see any 'please your woman' headlines on Maxim?
When it comes to sex, women are generally placed into two paradigms that make it all the more clear that sex isn’t supposed to be for women: the sexually chaste and/or inept “good girl” and the sexually active/or promiscuous “whore.” I talked about these paradigms in relation to women in music. These inflexible categories leave women sexually powerless; they’re expected to either be ignorant to sex or offer free-for-all access. No one wants to be oblivious or a “whore.” The strict options have made defining sexual empowerment murky, in my opinion. Does empowerment mean promiscuity without judgment? Being more dominant than a man in the bedroom? Or does it just mean being sexually knowledgeable? All of these factors I feel influence women’s willingness and comfort level with masturbation. We’re not supposed to touch ourselves. Even as children, a male toddler toying with his penis is considered funny, natural and expected, while a female toddler’s hand gets smacked away if she touches her vagina.
If able to ‘de-program’ from the social conditioning, masturbation can be quite the reward. Self-exploration can obviously help in discovering preferences for sexual interaction and can be self-empowering. If you’re able to satisfy yourself, pleasure won’t be completely contingent on having a partner, male or female. You won’t be sitting frustrated with pent up energy because you’re not able to have sex for whatever reason. Another person won’t own or control your sexual gratification. For all the single gals, I notice that partner-contingence can lead to a lot of trouble and drama that can be eliminated with a little “DJ dittles,” as comedian Dane Cook would say. There’s no waking up and realizing you now have conflicted feelings over someone who was supposed to be an f-buddy, no spreading yourself around, no guys or gals feeling entitled to have sex with you at any time and no staying with people you really don’t want to be with because the sex is good. Plus, hands or sexual toys will never get you pregnant, give you a STD, cheat, try to “get the milk for free,” lie, disrespect you, or selfishly be concerned with its own pleasure. Hands and toys always go where you want them to go, stay where you want them to stay and do what you want them to do- no questions asked or objections offered. You can manipulate when they leave, arrive, stop and start (some toys have multiple speeds and attachments-what human can do that?). You also don’t have to shave or get new lingerie to impress them. Last, but not least, you can also guarantee their cleanliness.
If able to ‘de-program’ from the social conditioning, masturbation can be quite the reward. Self-exploration can obviously help in discovering preferences for sexual interaction and can be self-empowering. If you’re able to satisfy yourself, pleasure won’t be completely contingent on having a partner, male or female. You won’t be sitting frustrated with pent up energy because you’re not able to have sex for whatever reason. Another person won’t own or control your sexual gratification. For all the single gals, I notice that partner-contingence can lead to a lot of trouble and drama that can be eliminated with a little “DJ dittles,” as comedian Dane Cook would say. There’s no waking up and realizing you now have conflicted feelings over someone who was supposed to be an f-buddy, no spreading yourself around, no guys or gals feeling entitled to have sex with you at any time and no staying with people you really don’t want to be with because the sex is good. Plus, hands or sexual toys will never get you pregnant, give you a STD, cheat, try to “get the milk for free,” lie, disrespect you, or selfishly be concerned with its own pleasure. Hands and toys always go where you want them to go, stay where you want them to stay and do what you want them to do- no questions asked or objections offered. You can manipulate when they leave, arrive, stop and start (some toys have multiple speeds and attachments-what human can do that?). You also don’t have to shave or get new lingerie to impress them. Last, but not least, you can also guarantee their cleanliness.
Marriage: often called the 'old ball & chain'
*Note: I do want to mention that there are also sexual paradigms for men. While they may not seem as extreme or constrictive, they can make life difficult for men who are virgins, chaste or selective with their sexual activity. Predominant male paradigms are the “virgin loser” and the “player.”In our world, the frequency of sexual encounters is associated with man-hood or masculinity. If you choose to be sexually chaste or remain a virgin, you’re assumed to be homosexual or viewed as a “loser,” unattractive or less-than. Men criticize you and some women will be reluctant to date you because they assume you will under-perform when you do have sex (I’m not sure how these paradigms apply, if it all, in male to male relationships). The promiscuous “player” is revered by male counterparts because he easily gains the attention or intimacy of women, and women are drawn to him because he’s typically charming, well-liked and “experienced.” The favorability of the “player” model is debatably why some men avoid relationship commitment or view it as imprisoning, suffocating, or “punkish.” Moreover, have shallow relationships attained from and based on manipulation. One of the more harmful results of these paradigms is that male self-concept, self-worth and self-esteem is reduced to being defined by penis size.
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