J.Says Online
  • Home
  • Entertainment
    • THE J. LIST
    • J.LIST BLOG
    • GENERAL HOSPITAL
  • Seriously Beyonce`, WTH?!?
  • Society/Culture
  • So This is Life?
    • J.Says Daily
    • J.Says & the "Quarter-Life Crisis"
  • Contact/ Info
  • Feedback

Parental Egotism

8/16/2012

3 Comments

 
Picture
Film, 2007.
When you’re growing up, you look forward to the day where your parents view and respect you as an adult and you can have an open dialogue where your opinions (or feelings) are not negated. I’m past 25 now, and that day has yet to arrive. I’m able to have conversations with my mother, but dare I challenge or disagree with her opinions or express exactly how I feel about her behavior or statements, I’m met with anger and accused of being disrespectful; no matter how polite I am. My mother suffers from what I call “parental egotism;” where parents hold the attitude that their children are completely and forever subordinate to them and therefore cannot speak against anything they purport.

If the situation arises where I’m upset with my mother, I’m told “I don’t have a right to be mad” at her. In other cases, she’s acts as if she’s above criticism. There’s a rationalization for everything she does and she’s always right, because “she’s the mother.” If I insist or continue to suggest that she’s perhaps wrong, she becomes defensive and sometimes attacking or belittling. For example, the topic of baby showers for teen mothers somehow came up. My mother explained that she was against the concept because when she was younger, giving a teen expectant parent a shower was viewed as condoning their sexual activity. When I argued that people should approach it as providing for a child who will be in need, versus support of teenage sex, she said “Oh, you’re just one of those people; any and everything goes with your generation.” When I asked her to explain what she meant by ‘one of those people,’ she wouldn’t elaborate, but she clearly meant it within a negative context. Not only did she make a negative generalization of my generation, she inferred there’s something wrong with my character because I had a different opinion than hers. As the conversation continued, the egotism rose as she reminded be that she’s been alive longer than I have, knows what she’s talking about and that I “don’t understand.” The “don’t understand” phrase is particularly agitating. To understand means to comprehend. I comprehend what she’s saying, I just don’t agree; its two different things.

Picture
The constant reminders of how old she is (“I’ve been around longer than you”) is equally agitating. I realize that I’m young and I far from know everything; I don’t propose that I do (my parents got lucky, because I never felt or acted that way as a teen either). However, I find it arrogant to assume that there’s no more room to learn because she’s reached her 50’s and the life-wisdom she’s acquired makes it impossible for her to be flawed or incorrect. Not to mention it’s invalidating to imply that my opinion has no value because I’m young. I’ve lost count of the times where she initiated a discussion with me, only to respond to my statements with “you’re just young” or “I’m right; I’m older.” Why start a conversation with me if my opinion is worthless to you from the beginning? I may behave the same way she does when I’m older, but for now I plan to start my statements with “In my experience” or “what I’ve learned in my years on this earth is…”

Parental egotism really rears its ugly head when the adult child tries to set boundaries or wants to discuss their childhood. Some parents find it appalling to see any assertiveness come from their offspring or hear the words “no” or “stop,” abusing the honorary title of ‘parent’ to take advantage of their children, guilt or manipulate them into submission. A friend of mine said he feels like his parents take advantage of his bountiful income, constantly expecting to borrow money after mismanaging their own funds. “If I only give them a certain amount, none at all, or tell them how frustrated I am, they find it insulting. They say I should willingly give them money no matter what because they gave me money in school. I sometimes can’t purchase the things I want or invest my money the way I wish because of how much I give them.”

Picture
Many parent's mantra.
Addressing the past or how you were raised can definitely be uncomfortable; A few parents deal with this discomfort with avoidance, denial or defensiveness. For those who have the discussion, some may inadvertently nullify their adult child’s feelings (especially if there are differing perceptions of the same event) or internalize their kids’ comments to the point of having deep guilt. If the conversation becomes a heated debate, the blame game can begin or going in circles about whether or not someone should feel a certain way. “When I talk to my mother about the things that upset me during my childhood, she always takes it as me trying to say she’s a bad parent. If it isn’t for worrying I’ll hurt her feelings, I have to deal with her telling me I perceived something wrong or telling me how to feel, instead of just accepting my feelings and hearing me out,” another friend said of her parental interactions. When dealing with disputing family members, talk-show host and former therapist Phil McGraw (“Dr. Phil”) frequently says “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” In familial disputes, I think some people get so focused on ‘winning’ the argument or trying to get someone to change their feelings or opinions, that they lose sight of the end goal, which is peace and understanding.

While some parents are chronic sufferers of parental egotism, others only exhibit it occasionally. Fortunately with my mother, it’s occasionally. There have been moments where my anger has risen to the point of disrespect; I typically apologize. Maybe when I have my own children, my mother will fully level with me. Until then, I’ll respectfully assert myself and hope I won’t need my boxing gloves.

Picture
3 Comments

I Don't Know My Parents Anymore

9/14/2011

1 Comment

 
Picture
When you hit your 20’s, your relationship with your parents hits this weird place. Having been away from home for a couple of years (especially if you’ve went college), you’ve tried to reconcile what your parents have taught you with what you’ve learned on your own about society to develop your own worldview. Being successful at reconciliation alone can create this abrupt, invisible, insidious wedge between you and your parents that you maybe didn’t anticipate. Suddenly you have less in common with your parents than you did before and the vast difference in opinion incites frustrating arguments and debates. If your disagreements are about sensitive issues like religion, sexuality, politics or race, they can likely lead to the reception of value or character judgments from your parents that hurt your feelings or anger you, causing more friction. Understanding that your parents think they’re doing what’s best for you with their idea insistence and imposing beliefs, you struggle to remain respectful when voicing your feelings; even though you don’t feel particularly respected or understood yourself. When you were a minor, you couldn’t wait to become a young adult because you thought you’d be able to have a more honest and open dialogue with your parents about any topic, but it didn’t quite turn out that way. Even though you’re ready to talk, they aren’t necessarily ready to listen. You keep thinking that you and your parent’s life stages will one day complement each other and you’ll meet in the middle. Here’s to hoping.

This experience leads to what I call “hero disillusionment.” If you had a decent relationship with your parents, you viewed them as near-perfect all-knowing heroes with the most appropriate beliefs and standards. The bright and shining image you once had of your parents starts to dim as you come in contact with their human side, more clearly realizing their biases and selfishness. Although you’ve known these people your whole life, you have moments where you look at them and go “who are you?!!” What you learn about their opinions and personality might be shocking, as it may contradict how they’ve raised you. On the opposite end, what you learn can answer long-held questions about your upbringing; resulting in resolve or anger (“They messed me up!”). Ultimately, you will either understand and appreciate your parents more, or come to dislike and break from them. “Hero disillusionment” tends to be more of a challenge for those who live at home or in regular physical contact with their parents because they don’t have the built in space to recover from divergence as those that they live away from home.

Seeing as how I’m still navigating this period of my life, I don’t have any quick solutions or tips. This article serves primarily as a forewarning. What I CAN propose is therapy (if you can access or afford it), if you find yourself in anger or sadness as a result of “hero disillusionment.”Anger and sadness are very powerful, potent emotions that can spiral out of control if they aren’t regulated. Guardian discontentment can seep into other areas of your life that can be hard to notice. That’s my offering.

1 Comment

Me, Mom and Jobs

9/8/2011

2 Comments

 
Picture
Since I’ve decided to NOT be a traditional therapist, I’ve been considering other career options. It’s been a confusing and stressful time choosing a course, so when I have a concept of what I MIGHT want to pursue, it’s a real downer when all my mom can say in response is “will that pay you anything?” Granted, income offering is an important factor to be considered when seeking employment opportunities, but I would think my mother would be remotely elated that her vocationally discombobulated child finally decided on something. Instead of asking questions that would incite a conversation, like “what appeals to you about that field?” or “what’s the best way to attain that type of position?” she’s all about the pay. Lord forbid I say “I don’t know how much it pays, I have to look into it,” and a lecture ensues about how she wants me to be financially stable, as if that’s not something I desire. By that time, I’m no longer interested in sharing my excitement about my new professional plan of action.

I try to be understanding of fact that my mother wants me to learn from her mistakes and not have the same financial struggles that she has, but I would like her to be more understanding that it’s important to me to find meaningful, purposeful work that is both fulfilling and lucrative. One day, I was telling my mother how the young people I meet online via promoting J.Says seem to all be in crisis. In one week, I met a 13 year old that had a miscarriage, a 16-year old that was self-mutilating and a 14-year old with an eating disorder. I expressed my interest in taking a position at a non-profit organization for girls and told her that positively influencing young women is something I’m passionate about. What did my mom say? “Can you get paid well working at non-profit?” I was so frustrated. Not only was that statement slightly off topic (we were talking about youth), but it devalued a position I deem to be important. When my mother mentions pay off the cuff, it makes me feel like my goal isn’t good enough. Wanting to make a positive societal impact isn’t good enough unless the position pays well. Strippers make a lot of money; maybe she’d be more excited and pleased if I hit the pole.

2 Comments

Grown Folks Need Help Too

1/12/2011

0 Comments

 
A friend and I were talking about how since we started college, our parents have gradually ceased to parent us. You would think that we would be happy about this, considering we spent most of our adolescence hungering for autonomy, but our parents have gone from one extreme to the other. They went from borderline over-involvement to nearly none at all. At a time in our lives where the term “quarter-life crisis” is applicable, some of us 20-somethings would appreciate a moderate amount of guidance and input from our parents. Growing up, my parents always used to say “I know better than you; I’ve been there and done that.” Now that I want some of that “been there and done that” perspective, I’m not getting it; even when I blatantly ask for it. When I ask for advice, my parents sometimes glaze over it or give a generalized answer.

I think this issue occurs because our parents incorrectly assume that the 20’s are seamlessly easy or that we don’t need or desire their input because we’re now self-sufficient young adults. The lack of advice may also be a result of simply not knowing what to suggest (major generational or cultural differences may be a contributor). Either way, this drastic reduction in parental counsel is not working and can lead to communication issues between parents and their adult children. If you haven’t already, I encourage you 20-somethings to address this problem with your parents. Don’t be afraid or too prideful to ask for a little more input or support. If you’ve unsuccessfully attempted to address it, go back and analyze how you approached the discussion; approach affects results. If you’re confident in your approach and still don’t have the results you desire, you may have to seek support from another source, such as a counselor or a different relative. Good luck finding resolve.
0 Comments
    Picture

    Help! I'm having  a "Quarter-Life Crisis"!

    What is a "Quarter-Life Crisis", you ask? Well, I'm around 25 and I'm at that stage in life where my "future" personal and career goals are beginning to come into the present...and it's freaking me out lol. Here, I'm sharing my thoughts and experiences as I go through the process of "becoming a real adult".  

    Note: Occasionally, other individuals will be writing posts and they will be marked as such.    Want to be contributor for this section of the site? Click the "Contact/Info" tab to find out how!

    Archives

    April 2013
    August 2012
    July 2012
    May 2012
    March 2012
    November 2011
    October 2011
    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    April 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    October 2010
    September 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    January 2010

    Tags/Categories

    All
    18 & 21 Year Old Self
    1 Where The Crisis Began
    2 Quarter Shots
    3 It's Me Again God
    Advice
    Age Goals
    Ah Ha Moments
    Ah-Ha Moments
    Career Options
    College
    Education
    Family Relationships
    Finances
    Goal Setting
    God
    High School
    High School Musical
    Income
    Job Hunting
    Life Changes
    Marriage
    Monotony
    Music
    Parents
    Personal Relationships
    Plans
    Psychology Counseling
    Psychology-Counseling
    Quotes
    Relationships
    Stagnation
    Support Systems
    Videoblogs
    Workforce

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.